For some reason I never felt I had the same rights
as everyone else to be myself. In truth there was nobody really stopping me except me. To be honest I was not sure who “myself” was in
the first place. It was quite a fluid landscape and a complex place once I
started looking closer. I knew I felt things quite acutely and experienced a
lot of discomfort due to this affliction. I suffered from sensitivity. However I was also aware of a dark side
that left unfettered could turn into a dangerous weapon. I never knew where I
began and others ended. I felt it my duty and responsibility to soothe people,
placate people, calm people, love people, heal people, to be there for people no
matter what regardless of what was going on in my life. This made me push down and
park huge parts of myself and become frustrated and at times like I would break
under the pressure.
When I was exploring what my needs were with my
therapist I was astounded to discover that I could not identify any need except
the need for space. It came above my need for connection. What was paramount I
realised was connection with myself first and foremost. I needed the time and
space to process experiences and to discover who I am and what I need. I know I
need space and time alone to recharge or I crack up. I really suffer if I do
not get this space. In the maelstrom of meeting other people’s needs in my life
I had gone years without honouring this fundamental need of mine. The next need
I have is to connect to silence and nature and what I call the source. The
source is a universal energy that is love. I cannot decide if the source is within
me or outside of me. I have come to the conclusion that it is both. I need to
connect to both myself and this source before I can function well in the world.
If I do not do this I will suffer and so will the people in my life by default.
Once I have explored the space and the source and I
have these things in alignment I need to know my kids are OK. In truth I need
to know that always, even before I get space but I will be more effective at
coping and dealing with any issues they or we have coming up if I have tuned
into myself and the source. I need to stay connected to my kids because it is
my duty as a parent to be emotionally available to them with both unconditional
love and tough love. In their younger years I often did not get my need for
space or source met and this was very challenging.
I need my family. Relationships with family members
can be exceptionally complex but the feeling of belonging can also be
profoundly rewarding in those unspoken moments. There are places you go with
family that run deep, both good and bad. A lot of it is unconscious. At the end
of the day you can rely on your family because your family has your back (if they are a half way decent family which
is most families). Of course there are exceptions to this rule. My relationship
with my family is always going to be important to me. I know that families can
grow a bigger heart to accommodate change no matter how painful the process.
Without my family I am torn out of the tapestry of the family soul and it is
impossible to find deep healing in that place of exile for me. Nothing will
work for me if I am estranged from them. I may need to set up some boundaries
for myself but the bonds of blood run deep for me.
Next I need to feel connected to women. I say this
before I say a man because I like the Eastern approach of being in the women’s
room (the mother’s house) before you go to a man (the father’s house). I am a
woman therefore I need to establish my relationship to other females. There is
much research to suggest that women who have close relationships with a few
close friends and/or women’s groups like a lunar lodge or a yoga group fare
better much in life. For me personally I believe this to be true. There are
things that you just cannot get from a man and the woman-to-woman bond is one
of them. Without this I am miserable and my life is less enjoyable. So I need
good women to be a part of my life. I am definitely not a woman who gets all
her needs met in the couple relationship. I scored very low on the Hera goddess
archetype lol.
I need my man, my partner. I need my partner for
love and connection, for companionship and understanding, for support and
sharing, for adventure, romance and desire, for a sense of deep belonging and
in order to create the new future family. I need all of the above in place
before I can fully give myself to a man though or it will not work because I
cannot be myself with a man who does not let me be myself. This is in part due to the fact that he will share such a large part of my life. How can we deny how equally important men are to women. We need men
to make babies with and to love, support and protect us. Yes there are destructive
men (and women) out there but that does not mean we should abandon the laws of
nature and deny ourselves what is essentially a beautiful (if at times
infuriating) thing.
Last but definitely not least I need my work, my creative path. This is a huge
need and leads to the need for meaning and the “why am I here?” conundrum. All
of the above needs stem mainly from the need for attachment (bar space and
source though one could argue that is a need to attach to self and God) but my
creative path stems from my need for authenticity and self-expression. Of course I need
authenticity in my relationships too but my work is an exercise in undiluted
authenticity. It is where I grapple with meaning, the human condition, beauty,
philosophy, form and all of those things. It is where I really express myself without
holding back in any way - in a way that may be too extreme for social
interaction/ convention not to mention inappropriate. It is where I make
connections with people I work with though I often work alone. It is where I
cross over to the other side or dig deep to understand why am I here. It can be
a challenging and lonely place as well as a deeply rewarding and nourishing
place. One thing is for sure I need my work. I tried to deny that fact for many
years and I think it made me sick.
So in short, yes I need to care but I also need to
create. My caring part is centred around people, belonging and attachment and my
creating part is centred around myself, my experiences, adventure, being daring & bold,
pushing boundaries, being authentic and belonging to myself and the world at
large. My work is from me and very personal but as such often translates as a
universal experience. In many ways the personal and the universal end up
being different sides of the same coin!
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