Quote by moi

I coined a new saying! I'm pleased with this one

ALL THE THINGS LOVE ISN'T

I have driven men to drink, the madhouse and confession…well I fast-tracked where they were already heading. I have ignited atrocious behaviour in men.

I attract it and I have been called it; “trouble”. I have engaged in folie-a-deux more times than I care to remember. Call it what you will; romantic, turbulent, passionate, exciting. I call it exhausting.

I have opened myself up to men and been consumed, devoured and left a dry husk. I have opened myself up to men and abandoned myself in the process, lost my sense of self and ended up being and doing what they wanted. I have been accommodating and tolerant as much as I have been difficult and intolerant.

I have had to fight my corner always. I have been told who I am, what I think and how I feel by well-meaning men (and bossy women – what’s their excuse?) I have been insulted more times than I can even count. I take it in my stride but I have never taken it lying down with men. This is because I feel safe enough with lovers to “have it out”. Intimacy provides that privilege.

Whenever I feel like being mean about men, I think of my son and how much I adore him and that stops me in my tracks. I also think about my father, step-father, brothers, uncles, friends. Besides all the great things men have done and can do. All the great things women have done and can do. All the great things people have done and can do. Then all the awful things men have done and can do. All the awful things women have done and can do. All the awful things people have done and can do.

I have cajoled, competed, undermined, ridiculed, projected, obsessed, goaded and busted balls with the best of them. I have been controlling and interfering. I have crossed boundaries. I have been remarkably annoying pointing out their flaws, deconstructing – even annihilating - their egos until they explode. I have pulled apart their past emptying their baggage all over the road and rummaging through it with disgust (which now makes me cringe). I would hammer square plugs into round holes forcing them to fit when they obviously didn’t. I would re-write history to suit my narrative. I would analyse men to death and then get bored with them and try to fob them off onto someone else as I ran out a back door. 

I was arrogant beyond belief. I would always start from the premise of Oh Yeah? I was naturally ready for combat. Plus I would work too hard which would prevent any natural flow.

I have also had, when I let go, moments of being tender, open, funny, kind, easy-going, generous, caring, warm, understanding, appreciative, admiring and passionate. In turn men have been kind, open, generous, loving, inspiring, creative, adoring and passionate with me.

I have listened to a load of crap and talked even more!

In my supreme arrogance I thought I was doing some men a favour. I existed as the converter between the damned and the delightful. I was like a liver getting toxins out of a body by simultaneously accepting, confronting and transmuting atrocious behaviours. I fancied myself as an asshole-reformer! I imagined I was the fierce Kali-esque girlfriend crossed with the unconditionally loving Quan Yin. I would make sure I would not be forgotten, by any means. All this screams EGO. I would turn avoidant cowboys into needy girls – question, are they the same thing?

I would date the un-dateable (and then pay for it). I would get in the pit with men and fight it out – a conveyor belt of mentally ill, emotionally avoidant, emotionally insecure, needy, obnoxious, arrogant, angry, egoic, antagonistic, antisocial, demanding, difficult, moody, volatile albeit talented, often alcoholic, sex addicted lovers that I would kick into shape for the next woman because how can you love what you’ve trained? How can you love someone you want to change? That ain’t love, that’s pity.

But in all this madness and chaos was I exposing parts of myself and my own insecurities by trying to love unlovable aspects in these men? Were these men in fact doing me a massive favour by being abusive? They were honest about it and they forced me to set my boundary. I would go in knowing (and thinking I’ll change him – that old chestnut). Invariably these relationships would always turn toxic – possibly even begin as toxic too – and this would force me to look at my behaviour and what I wanted and what I did not want.

This took years and years.

I always liked a challenge so I tried to love men who hated themselves – men who covered up their self-hatred with all kinds of devious tricks (none of which got past me). I often reflected it back to them in my behaviours instead of calling it out. I would also risk life and limb and call it out often with explosive reactions (from both parties). It never occurred to me that I could leave and date someone who liked himself. Was this because I was still struggling with liking/ loving/ accepting my own self?

I tried to love men who hated themselves so much they had to spend every waking minute with me and totally disregarded my needs/ wants/ desires. I had to teach them about what I needed. I always needed space. I always had to fight for my space, my domain, my sense of self. I tried to love men who suffocated me and then told me I was the one with the problem. When was the penny going to drop in my head? When would I spot the recurring theme? Join the dots? And what was I doing that made them hunt me down so much?

I could have hired myself out as a rehabilitation centre. I did sterling work. I have done so much mostly unseen emotional labour. One day I realised I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to love men who hate themselves. I want to go through another door. So I did.

They say when you evolve the universe will send you even harder tests. In my case, more men. I always meet a man when I’ve had a revelation, when I’ve made some kind of breakthrough, when I feel complete within myself; the first time that feeling happened I was 32 and I felt such a sense of relief. Shortly afterwards the universe sent me a man with a serious mental disorder.  

When I have said “Enough! I want to be single for 5 years!” this is inevitably when I will meet a man. And they fuck it all up for me every time; they mess up and complicate my new-found singledom bliss bubble and pull me into some hate-zone, trauma-pit, hell-scape otherwise known as a tumultuous relationship.

But the universe always has a plan. In my case the universe has been trying to show me all the things love isn’t in practical reality and force me to say NO NOT THIS. How do I put my wants, needs, desires at the centre of my life instead of his? I know it all in theory but how does one test the theory? That’s right. By living it and being confronted with it on a daily basis in real time. See here

By the time I realised what true love is – acceptance and love of self, first and foremost – I had burnt myself out both fighting and rescuing various men in the name of care. Care so often masks control issues. Clearly I had some deep-seated control issues until I hit the wall and had to change. Control is not love. Control is fear. Ever stop to ask why does one always fight the one they rescue? When was I going to wake up? Fighting and rescuing is not love, it is torture. I had been called too often into this role. I had chosen it until I no longer could. And fighting and being rescued is just as bad. I never asked to be rescued and do not enjoy that I was so lost until you came along and rescued me game. That is ego. I have “rescued” enough people to truly know that people, including me, do not want to be rescued. It is an affront to human dignity and as well as disempowering people many cause harm with their help.

Love meets you where you are. Love recognises that you are separate people who come together to share, hopefully harmoniously. Love accepts and loves you just as you are including all your mistakes and flaws. Love does not try to change you. Love is not perfect and does not expect you to be perfect. Love does not control, abuse or insult you. It does not make snide or sarcastic remarks. That is hate. Love lets things unfold at their own pace because love is in no hurry. There is no panic with love. Love can also let go, despite the pain of loss, for the greater good of another. This is a very noble form of sacrifice. Love can give you space because it is not threatened by anything Other than it. Ego – and possibly trauma - is what gets threatened, not love. Love is not higher than or lower than, it just is.

All those other things can be inspired by passion or lust or sex or obsession or hate or desire or anger or trauma but they ain’t love. Love is deeper than that and much simpler. Love is accepting yourself and, dare I say it, liking yourself just as you are. You don’t need to escape yourself if you like yourself. No need to try so hard with love.

It is good to have viewed the thing from all angles and discover all the things love isn’t. Only that way can you discover all the things love actually is.

NOTE: This blog post is about some people in my past and no person in my life now. I have not mentioned any names to protect the privacy of those involved. 

LOCKDOWN LESSONS: Health Matters

During lockdown lots of things came up for people. For me, it was physical health issues. I cannot look at physical health without looking at all the other aspects of health alongside it though. I would put these in 5 categories and I believe we need them all in balance to be fully healthy. I also believe that the body and soul holds the score. I am focusing on physical health in this blog post but I shall say a little about the others to in relation to my journey of self-development. These 5 categories are physical health, psychological/ emotional/ mental health, sexual health, spiritual health and environmental health.

PHYSICAL HEALTH: Physical health is something I have largely ignored over the years apart from sporadic forays into some kind of physical activity like walking or swimming. I was never very sporty shunning it for the library in school. In many ways I was a walking dustbin shovelling anything and everything into my body regardless. I have never been a fussy eater and would eat anything. My diet was pretty unadventurous though I love food. But through tiredness, a busy life and/or financial difficulties food fast became fuel rather than enjoyment and my diet deteriorated as the years rolled by. I was raised on a healthy diet growing up on a farm with all our own home grown produce from vegetables and fruits to eggs, meats, milk and yoghurt. I always had a healthy appetite apart from under-eating in my mid-teens. I under ate in my twenties (and if I did it was usually tuna pasta, cheese toasties or kebabs) and I also drank a lot, mostly beers and spirits and I smoked. I hardly ever drank water. I danced, I walked everywhere and I was physically very fit. I was blessed with a strong constitution which alas I promptly abused and took for granted.

I over ate in my thirties and forties. During my thirties I kept a relatively good diet with fruit, vegetables, brown rice etc because I was feeding my kids too but by my forties I ate way too much meat, bread, biscuits, chocolate, cake, pizza, pasta, unhealthy carbs and convenience processed foods including frozen foods and not enough fresh vegetables and fruit by far. I never limited myself and would eat huge portions and have seconds. Basically I was comfort/ stress eating on auto-pilot. I would randomly take supplements but struggled with consistency. In my early to mid-thirties I walked a lot but in my late-thirties after developing asthma and chronic burn out I did the bare minimum. I got very bored with the food I was cooking not exploring herbs and spices as much as I wished to. 

In my thirties I drank fresh coffee every day and wine most weekends, both of which are dehydrating. I drank endless cups of tea – also dehydrating – and the odd cup of herbal tea. Luckily I put honey in my teas rather than sugar (which I always had in coffee). I rarely drank water and opted for fizzy water but I hardly ever rehydrated. My whole diet and lifestyle was hard on my liver even after I quit drinking because it was high in salt and sugar. I felt sluggish and I often dipped into my adrenaline to get going living off stress and nervous energy. I would swing between over-functioning and under-functioning.

By 45 I was in a pit. I had asthma, chronic fatigue, excessive flooding, the first signs of obesity and by 47 I had chronic anemia and vitamin D deficiency, sore knees, chronic hip pain on top of all the other problems. Clearly things were getting worse. Between the ages of 38 and 48 I gained 3 stone in weight. Enough was enough. I booked myself into a course of osteopathy and the healing began. In the following months I slowly started making small changes and then during lockdown I started a daily walk up the mountain. I aimed to eat less and move more. Since then I have cut out highly processed foods, bad sugars, unhealthy carbs and wheat. I have cut out bread and gluten. I have reduced my meat consumption greatly, I eat more fish. I eat loads of salads and vegetables, both cooked and raw. I eat smaller portions. I eat for my blood type to maximise my particular body’s potential, more on that here https://dadamo.com/txt/index.pl?1006&fbclid=IwAR2qDKPwIDAZSqAB1347emlZhJ0uulAsNc2_wI04kIRcwD2KlgjxClBpr_E

I am doing a 30-day liver cleanse by drinking 16 ounces of celery juice first thing. I take milk thistle, magnesium, zinc, spirulina, flaxseed, ginger, nettle tea and many other herb teas, tinctures and supplements as and when required. I power walk 2km every morning up a steep mountain road and sometimes another 2km in the evening – same thing. And finally I drink 2 litres of lemon water a day. I never drink alcohol or coffee anymore because it has such a bad effect on me. I drink many herb leaf teas and herbal teas. I rarely drink black tea anymore.

Physical health is wealth. I had underestimated it before because my focus was more on emotional health (which effects physical health too) but diet and lifestyle are also very important. You can do all the therapy in the world but if you eat a crap diet and are a couch potato you will eventually feel like crap because of that. Besides if therapy is working you will want to move away from stuffing down emotions with food or drink which is in essence a form of denial that ironically takes the form of over-indulgence and a kind of listless lethargy. It is very important to relax but also to move. We need a balance of both. Food is one of life's great pleasures and to be enjoyed sensibly and in moderation with occasional blow outs! ;) 

PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL/ MENTAL HEALTH: In many ways the realm of the emotions is the realm of the artist; feeling them, expressing them and transforming them into art or music. Artists swim in their emotions and are driven by psychological impulses to create – it is their element, be it primitive emotions or intense ones. My emotional life was an area I over-focused on because for much of my life because I was emotionally distressed in one form or another plus I considered myself to be an artist of some sort. I could never make up my mind which was my element and I explored many; dance, drawing, painting, performance, acting, music, song-writing, singing and writing. Human beings are inherently creative when it comes to psychological forces. All great literature knows that! Emotions are something that are devalued in our world and yet they are so important and at the root of much illness. Our relationship with our emotions is a deep and personal one and effects our health. Again the body holds the score and emotions that you stuff down, repress, park off or deny will show up oftentime in the body.

For me I needed to set boundaries and work on my sense of self. That has been my big work psychologically and emotionally speaking as well as developing self-acceptance and self-love. Being an extremely open person in many ways (and yet cautious, guarded and closed off in other ways – but that’s another blog post) I have always had a tendency to merge with people and become enmeshed thus losing my sense of self. This is dangerous territory as I can become bullied and controlled very easily by giving away my power like that. This has been a life-long curse for me being at the mercy of others; lovers, friends, family, you name it. I think it is rooted in my desire to accommodate and connect/empathise with and my fear of conflict or displeasing others.

Obviously I have explored this extensively in therapy. Partly it is my nature and partly it is co-dependency. I am both a curious mix of solitary and sociable. One painful lesson I have learnt is that if you allow people to disrespect you and walk all over you they invariably will. I had never assertively set boundaries in my life so I have got treated in all manner of ways. It is a very painful on-going lesson and hopefully I won’t be haunted by domineering and bossy people or manipulative people all my life. The key to all of this is setting your boundary otherwise people do not know where they stand so it is collusion if you do not. Toxic behaviour – bullying, domineering, insulting, patronising, draining or manipulating behaviours - can effect your health as badly as highly processed food or too much booze. At the same time you need to be flexible aswell. One is only brittle or defensive when they have not fully mastered boundaries. And we are all only flawed human beings at the end of the day. We can only try our best and being rigid is also bad for one’s health. Sometimes in order to make big changes we have to go to extremes which then level out as we incorporate them into our lives in a more realistic way. Diet is a good example of this. When we want to change bad habits how many of us have thrown the baby out with the bath water, as they say, only to return to our former ways. It is also important to be realistic, only then is it sustainable.

The other side of the coin is that I can be very difficult to pin down. I need a lot of space and freedom. I can be avoidant. I like to suit myself. I don’t like being needed – obviously I make exceptions here for my children. I like to get people sorted, up and running and out the door. I love to see people thrive. This isn’t to say I don’t like socialising – in fact I enjoy it immensely but only for certain amounts of time as I can get easily drained. And then I like to daydream and potter around in my own little world. I am introverted with a mad extroverted streak – which needless to say gets me into trouble but also gets me some adventures. I am pretty sure I have autism which could explain a lot but that is another blog post.

I believe that mental health is intrinsically connected to emotional health. In fact I used to call mental health issues emotional distress  as I believed they originated in unmet, unseen, unexpressed emotional truths. We can help our mental health by feeding it good nutricious food in the form of loving affirmations, critical thinking, good literature etc.

SEXUAL HEALTH: Sexual health is deeply connected to creativity and emotional, psychological and physical health I think. Some people like to explore the primal animal nature side of sex, some people like to enjoy the deep heart-felt, romantic side, some people like to wire the two up in a loving union and go to the stars. It doesn’t really matter how you get to the stars as long as you are two (or three or four… ) consenting adults.

As a side note some experts think that behind the compulsive nature of sex addiction is a deep desire for emotional connection – rather like the impulse behind alcohol, drug and food addiction or any addiction for that matter. Sex is something to be enjoyed and not to feel guilty about – unless you are harming yourself or another in a non-consensual way. Fantasy is good too. No one should police or limit your imagination because that is a boundary violation. This was something I greatly struggled with in my twenties and I crossed boyfriends’ boundaries demanding to know everything.

Sexuality is highly personal and if someone makes you feel bad about it that is not good. Nobody should judge your past because it is personal - something else I learnt the hard and painful way. There are many painful lessons in sex but there is great joy there too. Sex can give you incredible pleasure as well as transcend this dimension and take you to a spiritual place of calm. It is very good for your overall health.

On the psychological side some studies have observed that males struggle with sexual jealousy whereas females struggle with emotional intimacy jealousy. Some folks struggle with retroactive jealousy - obsessing about their partner’s past and becoming jealous. I am not sure about this but all I can say is that sex is a tremendous force of nature that can trigger and ignite a lot of feelings and can actually create new life! I think it can do that in more ways than one. Sexuality and creativity are said to be twins – represented by two entwined serpents - and you can express your sexuality through art too.

It is very important that you focus on what you like and explore your own fantasies instead of always only focusing on what your partner likes. Get in touch with your own sexuality and then share that with your partner/ lover and they will likewise then share theirs with you. Live from your own core rather than living through another. Sex can be the element that brings people closer and deepens a relationship or it can be a destructive force that tears people apart. That’s how powerful desire, passion and erotic love are! I think the more mature you are the more you can master this powerful force and align it to love. Love and sex are not necessarily the same thing  - though sex can be aligned with love - which is possibly for another blog post. Desire is something that can make you do crazy things; much literature, poetry, songs and films explore this theme.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH: Spiritual health is about deeper meaning and purpose. Why are we here? And all those questions. Spirituality aligns us with our essential self and the eternal now. The vastness of existence and existential angst are wrestled with in spiritual wisdom and texts (religious texts, occult texts, astrology etc) down through the ages. I myself have always had a somewhat eclectic spirituality believing that many paths are essentially going in the same direction - towards cosmic universal love.

My own spiritual journey has been reconnecting with the divine I felt as a child and a teen but which I strayed far from in my twenties culminating in a nervous breakdown and disconnection from spirit. In many ways it was my days of wandering in the abyss. It was my first encounter with the abyss (or underworld or void). When I was 29 years old, after a distressing and terrorising prolonged nervous breakdown of 2 years, I had what I call the Great Comforter come in through my head. I had been in the pits of despair, permanently suicidal, contemplating death for months on end and living in terror. I had asked for a sign to keep me here on earth. 

This single experience was so powerful that it brought me back into recovery and society. The experience left me highly shaken as it was impossible to put such a luminous and ecstatic experience into words – the comfort had been so peaceful, so beautiful, so full of love, so heart and earth shattering that I wept tears of joy. I could not believe such peace was possible. It was like a relief and a remembering but so intense it blew me apart. I had a similar experience after birthing my babies.

Often when I am alone I slip into the Eternal Now and experience profound peace. Sometimes I consciously meditate but mostly I drop into it without realising. There is a timelessness to these experiences which comfort me greatly and I feel part of something vast. In these spaces I like to remember people I love who have died, who are on the other side so to speak. Sometimes I wonder whether we will have sight in the next dimension; insight yes but all the things on earth that I just adore looking at and witnessing and feeling, the sensual world. I am in awe of the beauty of earth and life. Sensual bliss is different to spiritual bliss I think but I enjoy both. I suppose a little fear comes in about losing matter. 

I practice the attitude of gratitude as much as I can. Meditation and giving thanks can be a humbling and grounding practice. Spirituality is a highly personal yet universal experience and something that deepens human life. In many ways it is the great adventure. It is however important to find the balance between practical and spiritual life. Spirituality can be a bit like desire in that it can make us do crazy things. In this way, if it is not in balance, we can become what is known as bliss junkies!

ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH: Last but not least is environmental health. This is very important as it is the foundation we build our lives on and where we get our basic security needs met. Are you living in secure accommodation? Is your water clean? Are you living in an over-crowded or polluted area? Do you have enough space? Do you have access to shops and food? These are factors that deeply effect the quality of our lives. Lockdown really highlighted this. I give thanks every day that I have a secure home, clean air and space in the countryside. Lockdown also made me realise that having a vegetable and herb garden is the way to go.

Making the Switch

Somewhere around my mid-to-late forties I noticed I was getting the same hit off unhealthy carbs as I was getting off my weed pipe in my twenties and that first glass of chilled wine in my thirties. But food addiction is socially acceptable so it can largely go unchecked for many years. Plus it took many years for me to reach the zenith of my food addiction. For years my fridge had to be full or I could not relax. The first thing I thought about in the morning was food and after I had finished breakfast I was wondering what to have for lunch. In the same way an alcoholic’s day and thought processes are ruled by drink my day and brain was ruled by food – and not even particularly healthy food. Wine was like my friend who popped in on the weekends and who I looked forward to spending some time with but food was my constant companion. My cravings were constant and all-consuming as the years wore on and I found myself listlessly roaming my house seeking comfort in food. Food gave me some structure, something to look forward to, especially when I was in recovery from burn out. My secret pleasure was watching food programmes. I loved nothing more than browsing the supermarket or food markets. I think it safe to say I was an avid foodie despite being fairly unadventurous in the kitchen myself. Ironically now I am becoming just that!

I have always loved my food and I had a healthy if conservative relationship with it but it started to become an unhealthy crutch as my thirties rolled on. I put this down to three factors; being stuck at home with small children, being creatively frustrated and as a way to suppress my emotions (or keep them at bay at least). A glass of wine with dinner (usually from Thursday though I would try to wait till Friday) only increased my appetite. I fancied myself as living in the Mediterranean with lunch rolling into dinner. Nigella Lawson was my heroine. For many years I was a human rubbish bin grazing on anything and everything and always eating my kids’ leftovers – if there were any.

As the years rolled by the weight piled on. The body positive movement didn’t help as it encouraged bad habits. I am a fan of body positive – in as much as it celebrates diversity in body types – but I am not a fan of promoting obesity which can cause any number of health issues and complications. This side of the movement is dangerous I think. Likewise with the other extreme which promotes underweight women and extreme fitness. Did you know that extreme fitness actually compromises your immune system?

I had always been 8 stone as a young woman and blessed with an hourglass figure but cursed with a steely drive. I had also been blessed with a strong constitution and body which I promptly abused with substances and that includes food. Too often people don’t include eating certain foods as substance abuse though they are quick to condone drink and drugs. People abuse food too. The healthier I get the more I regret my past life choices. In many ways I squandered my good fortune. My weight never fluctuated until my mid-twenties when it went down to 7 stone. By age 27 I was 6 stone whilst in the throes of a nervous breakdown. I was dangerously thin, even skeletal, for a few years. I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy and after I gave birth to my daughter my weight settled at 9 stone. I walked a lot pushing my baby girl in her buggy everywhere during this time and ate well so I was fairly healthy. I was also lifting a lot. I was however quite emotionally stressed due to practical factors (being a single mum with no car living in a remote area, house moves and financial issues mainly).

These stressful issues got exacerbated when I met my son’s father. By now I had learnt to drive. He experienced schizophrenia and we had to get involved with the mental health services. By the time he was transferred from the local unit to a maximum-security facility in the city in a prolonged psychosis I was pregnant with my second child. It must have been the most stressful pregnancy on record; two house moves, holding down a job at a local sports centre, a car crash in which my car was written off, doing a course (and applying for more), raising a toddler and dealing with the mental health services. Food was probably fuel and an after-thought though I always made sure my daughter was well fed. Incidentally both my kids have amazing taste palates; my daughter always loved avocados and pears and my son was an olive freak!

After 6 house moves I was blessed to be gifted an acre site in the beautiful valley I grew up in (from age 5) from my father to build a house on with an inheritance my grandmother left me. To this day I give thanks every day for my good fortune in this area. I practice the attitude of gratitude. For years I was angry that my grandmother had died and I wanted to give my inheritance to the homeless. Luckily my father didn’t facilitate this or I would have been homeless myself with two kids!

After my house was built and I moved in I was unprepared for the wonderful feeling of safety and security that having my own home for me and my kids would give me. I had never put down roots. I had always been on the move even in my childhood when I went between my mother and father’s houses and my boarding school in Cork city. Then as a young woman I had moved around a lot; changing accommodation, cities and countries quite frequently. You could say I was always on the run. I even used to eat on the move. Now here I was in one place, relatively unscathed with two wonderful kids. How lucky can one woman get?

So what did I do with my new-found freedom? Design a wonderful garden? Take up painting again? No I took on the Irish mental health services! I joined any grassroots organisations I could find who were challenging inhumane responses to human emotional distress. During this time I met and connected with people who had incredible stories and who had overcome massive adversity in their lives. I met people who were making their livings out of creating new paradigms and many who were doing it voluntarily for personal reasons. I worked hard and I believed in the work I was doing. I joined the Critical Psychiatry movement and I suggested the idea of a conference that gathered together people who presented different alternative responses to human distress. That conference is now an annual event.

All my hard work and campaigning culminated with the legendary Mary Raftery in my kitchen with an RTE camera crew. It was an honour to meet such a woman. Like any great human being she had razor sharp intelligence but was full of humility and compassion. She died of cancer not long after and I believe it was because she shouldered the backlash of the Ryan report. You can read about the Ryan report here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commission_to_Inquire_into_Child_Abuse. It was a huge honour to have a woman who changed the course of Irish history standing in my kitchen and interviewing me! There are no words to describe how surreal that experience was.

You may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight or the food I eat! I am putting it all into context. By the time I had given up my mental health advocacy work I was completely burnt out. I even had Mary Raftery encouraging me to give it up and to focus on myself and my children. I decided my work in that area was done. I had said my piece – which was that force and drug maintenance was not a good enough response to human distress, that it was in fact a human rights violation. I had told my story in newspapers, on radios and now on national TV. It was time to leave the battlefield. Not only had I gone to war with the current paradigm but I had joined movements who proposed new paradigms. I was fighting on one front and creating a new one the other side. This was frontline work. I was also emotionally supporting a lot of people which was very draining. I was doing battle, nurturing, raising and creating all at once!

The energy it takes to go into battle is monumental so suffice to say the aftermath is an adjustment. I locked my front door and went to bed for a year. I was completely burnt out. The reason I have included all this back story is to give you some context.  During my battle with the mental health services I was pushing quite hard which probably meant I was releasing a lot of cortisol. Cortisol is used in fight or flight. Cortisol is also the hormone responsible for creating that spare tyre look around the middle that we all love and know so well. I believe I was quite unhealthy around this time because I drank a lot of coffee – though never after midday – and I would unwind with wine towards the end of the week. I would use food as fuel rather than give it much more thought that that. I had bigger fish to fry so to speak. I was macro and food was micro as far as I was concerned. I would eat large portions like a lorry refuelling and I would eat fast.

All that has now changed.

Now I believe it is more important to fix your own yard before you tend to others. At 40 I started therapy which has been a life saver. Around 43 I started realising that though I liked wine, wine did not like me or rather my body did not react well to it. It was the same with coffee. So I ditched my uppers (coffee) and my downers (wine). At 42 I noticed a change in my monthly cycle and by 45 I was in a bad place physically with excessive flooding – which I have written about elsewhere on this blog.

I now believe it was a combination of chronic extreme and prolonged stress over many years, my diet and my tendency to push my emotions down with food that created my weight gain. Over the years I developed the habit of going to the fridge or the cupboard if I was stressed, bored or emotional. Sometimes even if I was happy I would hit the fridge to celebrate. Any excuse huh! Pretty soon my weight crept up to 11 stone from 9 stone. According to the BMI (Body Mass Index) for my height and frame I was now officially in the obesity camp. I was still the right side of obesity but if this continued I was heading towards the wrong side of it which is morbidly obese. It didn’t help that I had girlfriends who were ignoring their own weight issues (we all did) and embracing the “body positivity” idea and boyfriends who celebrated my “curves” (my fat).

All I knew was I felt trapped in a body I no longer recognised as my own. I felt heavy and sluggish no matter what kind of a positive spin I or others put on it. Then I started to get cellulite on my knees. I think that was the point of no return when I thought maybe my life as I formerly knew it was over and I had been abducted. I gasped with horror when one day I saw just how much cellulite had accumulated on my legs. Due to excessive flooding for months on end I had gotten really out of shape physically. I did hardly any exercise and it was starting to show. At 5 feet 2 I was slowly turning into a tubby, chubby, short, round person. I would get breathless just running up the stairs. I had asthma and a whole host of other health issues were starting to form. At this rate I was heading for more problems down the road. I got myself tested for diabetes (no, thank god) and thyroid (all fine). I also discovered that overweight women suffer more in the perimenopause and menopause. From years of unchecked stress, over-eating and always trying to please others my hormones had gone haywire and were creating havoc in my body.

The first thing I did at around 44 was completely give up booze. It happened fairly organically, slowly starting at 42 but by 44 I could no longer finish a glass of wine without feeling awful so I switched to fizzy water and now eventually to just plain old water with a squeeze and a slice of lemon or lime in it.

The next thing I did was to increase my green leafy vegetable intake, mostly kale, rainbow chard and spinach whilst reducing unhealthy carbs. I increased my fresh vegetable intake in general; broccoli, cauliflower, beetroots, carrots (raw and cooked), leeks and salads. In conjunction with this I reduced my plate portions which in the past had been huge. I also cut out mashed potato with butter as I was getting acid reflux every time I ate mashed potato or chips. I replaced potatoes with sweet potato. I swapped white rice for brown rice. I bought quinoa and lentils. I completely cut out regular wheat pasta, white bread (sliced pan, wraps, bagels etc), biscuits, crackers and cakes. I now only eat cake at a special occasion.

Then I slowly reduced my intake of red meat (beef and lamb - which had reached unhealthy amounts in an attempt to manage my enemia) and increased my intake of fish, mainly fresh hake and tins of sardines (delicious with a generous squeeze of lemon and lime). I am researching other sources of iron aswell. I radically reduced my chicken intake as I am a blood group B and chicken is not good for us folk. Roast chicken is one of my favourites so I will let myself have it occasionally. I still eat eggs, yoghurt and cheese. I love whole foods, real foods and slow food. In other words I love good, healthy food. Since making the switch gradually I no longer have any cravings for junk for the first time in years. It is amazing. It is like being released from a kind of food prison.

I have completely eliminated packet foods with E numbers (gravies, stirfry sauces, seasonings etc) and replaced with fresh herbs and spices and organic vegetable stocks. I replaced sweet snacks with a variety of nuts and dried fruits so now when I get cravings I hit those instead of the biscuits or cakes or ice cream. There are no biscuits in my cupboard anymore anyway. And finally I drink more water and I move more, eat less. I try to take 1 hour exercise in walking every day. Doing some yoga is my next goal when I feel stronger. I also take supplements; vitamins A, B, D and C, magnesium, flaxseed or fish oil, evening primose oil and passiflora tincture to alleviate stress.

My target weight is 9 stone. So I have to lose 2 stone. I started at a size 10 and over the years I have crept up to a size 16 (in some cases 18). I was definitely heading to 18 next stop 20. I would be happy to be a 14 or a 12 now. We shall see. I am making the switch from unhealthy to healthy and it feels good. It feels like the right time and I feel ready to let all the layers fall off. I no longer need to protect or buffer myself with weight, hide behind it or stuff my feelings down with food. I need to find healthier ways to deal with my feelings – maybe by honouring them (but that is for another day, another blog post). Removing unhealthy foods and too much food has been like removing my security blanket rather like how a hoarder gathers stuff to insulate and cocoon themselves emotionally. I am also a bit of a hoarder so this will be the next issue I have to confront – my attic!

I have done all this food change programme in conjunction with a course in osteopathy over many months as it came to light that I needed to radically change my diet and lifestyle. Since changing my diet I have no acid reflux or incessant cough and my energy levels have increased. However I have developed headaches but I have heard this is common in detox – as it is withdrawing from drugs or drink. I am hoping these will go in time. I no longer feel like I need to abuse food in the same way that I abused drugs and alcohol. Food is there to support me not to swamp me. I have also slowly started to research herbs and restorative teas to support my journey towards health, healing and balance.

It can take a long time to address food addiction partly because at it's root it is an emotional problem and also because it is socially acceptable to eat - of course. We need food to live though what we eat can make us sick. 

RED MOON WISDOM

Now with hindsight I understand Nature’s plan better, biologically speaking, to make youth a more fertile time. If we obey the patterns our body dictates raising teens will not coincide with the trials, tribulations and perils of perimenopause. It makes more sense to have kids in your twenties; by the time they are just raised and out the door a woman can fully focus on herself and deal with the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause – which is a full-time job in and of itself. Then again a lot of things make sense with hindsight. Also if you have kids younger you get to enjoy the Granny and Great-Granny years more too!

The way I did things (first child at 30 and second at 34) meant I hit a perimenopause which started innocently enough at 42 but turned into a full-scale category red storm by 45 when my daughter turned 15 and my son 11. Just when my children needed me to be stronger I was at my weakest physically - which also effects one emotionally and psychologically. Hence I see why Nature in her infinite wisdom ideally prefers a woman to have children younger. It is very challenging raising teenagers at the best of times but a monumental task of epic proportions with the perimenopause thrown into the mix aswell. It is hard to be fully available to your kids’ needs and to help them navigate the world when your body is betraying you with flooding, exhaustion, hormonal changes, burn-out and endless fatigue.

However I also know that it is hard to contemplate the reality of children when you want to focus on study, work and career or adventure, experiences and parties or all of the above in your twenties! As we all know we can aim to have it all but we may have to pay the price somewhere along the line – perhaps our body does! What we gain in emotional and psychological maturity we lose in biological reality in the later years though. I had thought that 30 was the crossroads where these two paths converged but I see now that it meant I would hit perimenopause while my kids were in secondary school.

In saying all this, even with hindsight, I would not do anything different as I just cannot even imagine or contemplate my life without the two unique and very particular humans I brought into this world; my daughter and my son. I am just passing on the bigger picture I have seen. Besides if I had kids in my twenties it would have been an even rockier ride in many ways as I was a late bloomer! My early thirties was the perfect time for me but it was not without huge challenges and complications as I was told in my twenties it was unlikely I would even be able to have children! I proved them all wrong there!!

Many women will get through the perimenopausal and menopausal years with minimal support, others may need more but many women will need high levels of support. In her book The Wisdom of Menopause Dr Christiane Northrup writes about claiming our anger – a powerful signal from our inner wisdom – which often arises from:

Losing power, status or respect
Being insulted, undermined or diminished
Being threatened with physical or emotional pain
Not obtaining something we feel should legitimately be ours
Being unable to count on promises or commitments made to us
Having an important or pleasurable event postponed or cancelled to suit someone else’s convenience

CUBASE PSYCHOSIS

When it comes to the search for meaning by expressing oneself via art, creativity, whatever you want to call that curse, there are two things that I love doing; writing (prose, poems, essays, stories) and song-writing (lyrics, melodies and sometimes singing).

Writing is pretty easy to execute; all you need is a laptop or a notebook and a biro. Being the solitary sort - happy in my own company for the most part - this side comes easily to me. The worst side of it is I can’t type properly with my two hands (it’s more like two fingers!) and after some intense months long frenzies of writing I developed RSI in my right hand. Once it was so bad I had no use of my right hand or arm for 2 weeks and had to put it in a sling with a wrist support on and regularly apply something to ease the pain. The whole arm was in spasm.

It was around about this time, actually, that I decided to return to song-writing and singing, simply because it was shorter, faster, more visceral, emotional and produces an immediate result (like painting a wall) whereas writing a novel can be a bit like being sucked into a word tsunami soup for months on end with no discernible way out – other than writing your way out! Having two young kids made this endeavour even more difficult. Also I didn’t need my arm as I could record a short melody into my computer. I needed some mode of self-expression as the floodgates were open and suppressing it again may result in some other form of madness or restless discontent. I had buried my creativity out back for over 15 years as it was!

So I hit song-writing and singing again. I had intended to just do it as something to pass the time while my arm recovered but then got quickly hooked. At first it great; me banging away on the keys (arm and hand healed), writing the same song in slightly different versions over and over and over again in a somewhat primitive fashion. It served as an emotional release for me and I greatly enjoyed the chase of hunting the lyrical content aswell. I also loved the construction, like building with parts and words and sounds. I would just follow my intuition without really having a clue what I was doing technically but somehow knowing in another sense. Nailing a song gives me an intense sense of joy and fulfilment. I enjoy the process as much as the final result. And then I move on to the next one.

And then the honeymoon is suddenly over…

One of my many weaknesses is impatience. That coupled with an explosive (colourful) personality is a bad mix. To counteract these elements I shut down which also shuts down the creativity. I become nonchalant and vacant, not really there. This is apparently a feature of what is known in Vedic astrology as Ketu. Ketu is a destructive element that goes hand in hand with the creative element. I am frozen and all meaning is lost. I can literally sit motionless in the void for whole weeks – years previously, in my breakdown, after the initial hyperactive terror wore off (granted this lasted over a year) I sat in the void for the best part of 2 years just staring into it. Mute. Nothing. This is when the self-sabotaging starts – what’s the point anyway, I’m shit etc etc. Actually the self-sabotaging goes beyond that: I am invisible and I don’t actually exist. That is the real Ketu right there.

Now when this happens I can park Ketu, put on the mask and appear to all and sundry like a regular human. But don’t be fooled, I am just going through the motions. Inside me is the void and I sit in it, all you can see is my eyes shining out of a cave. My only company is a giant serpent. I am sitting in the unconscious blasted out of my head on meaninglessness. Fun stuff. By now I am used to the void and besides I know it’s part and parcel in the life of any artist.

The shut-down happened due to frustration. Once the initial novelty of writing songs wore off I was faced with no way to execute the songs, to produce them. When I was young I had spent some time in studios and recalled the experiences as exciting and overwhelming but ultimately fruitful. I also remembered a lot of sitting around and waiting. I knew my part and played my part (or should I say sang my part) but never did I pretend to understand what the hell was going on technologically speaking. Engineers and producers did that. I was just the lyricist and singer. Wasn’t that enough?

There are some things I prefer from the old days – like a singer was a singer and a soundman was a soundman - oh and yes there can be soundwomen too or sound people.

Years later and to cut a long story short I am attempting to work with Cubase as a total novice. Slowly I have started to face the cold, hard facts; Cubase gives me psychosis. Perhaps in it’s next edition the DSM can include “Cubase Psychosis: when patient exhibits an overwhelming desire to smash technology with a hammer and may actually do so if left untreated. Treat with Valium and anger management classes. In severe cases use a Clopixol depot shot to render the patient unconscious in case of danger to self and others (not to mention Cubase).”

It’s a great pity because having a home studio is ideal for introverted artists like me. But the truth is I need actual real life people to explain to me what the hell is going on, ideally explain nothing to me and just do it so I can get on with writing lyrics, melodies and singing (if I’m not crippled with asthma on that day – but that’s another post, another story). The problem is I have no fire for technology, no desire to learn how it’s done. I never wanted to be a producer or an engineer. That part of my brain is missing. I have a huge block there (possibly a disorder). I feel the same way about Cubase as I did about maths in school, I just don’t really get it.

It was the same when I tried to play electric guitar. I have zero aptitude for it and no fire to learn much as I admire the cool girls who do. But I am a different sort of creature. I am a primitive beast. I am Dionysus not Apollo. My fire is for distilling chaos into writing lyrics, melodies and sometimes singing and/ or performing. I pluck the ether instead of strings. I have other talents, other gifts – mainly tenuous but there you have it. Better to play to my strengths rather than my weaknesses. Isn’t it better I feel in my element rather than deeply inadequate out of it? I have a pretty good ear, OK pitch and can find the groove in a song lyrically and structurally speaking. This is pretty innate. I know my place. Shouldn't I just get on with what I do best? Again I can’t help feel this is a pity and not enough because if I had the technical know-how it would both liberate and empower me. Instead all it does is deeply confuse, frustrate and enrage me.

If I had loads of cash and success I would be the Johnny Depp of Cubase firing all manner of laptops and speakers out of studio windows the world over. Except if I had loads of cash I would probably hire a producer.

And this brings me onto the long-suffering Robert, long-suffering because he has had to work with me in the studio and Lord knows has this poor man tried to help me in the studio! His patience in this area with me is remarkable. He deserves a medal for putting up with me in the studio. He is self-taught on Cubase and possibly nothing prepared him for trying to teach me.

If I haven’t got asthma or am not threatening to smash up the studio he helped me set up I am planning my exit strategy from music. Talk about self-sabotaging dramas but here’s the thing, I can’t help it! I am 16 years old again and I’m in maths class. I am boggled by the whole thing with a mental block the size of a large continent. I want to cry or scream or both. I want to smash things I just don’t understand. I am out of my element just like I was attempting play electric guitar. I don’t do technology or electric guitars, I do lyrics and melodies. I love listening to electric guitars just like it gives me a sense of joy to watch someone who actually knows what they are doing in the studio, me in their capable hands rather than pretending I know how to perform open heart surgery or pilot a plane. Because that’s what Cubase feels like to me. It is a language I cannot fathom, a language I have no interest in other than getting my part of the job done.

I spend time trying to unlock the secrets of Cubase, each part more perplexing than the next. In Robert’s studio I intently watch what he does trying to take it all in, absorbing some of it. I watch videos on YouTube only to realise at the end of one that I have been thinking about lyrics or what to cook for dinner throughout the whole thing because the video is so mind crushingly boring and makes no sense to me whatsoever. Again like maths. Again a pity. I have no desire or fire to learn just like I have no desire to be a carpenter or a physicist. I have no desire to turn my songs into some head-wrecking DIY nightmare despite the fact that I was once in a punk-rock band! 

But nowadays that’s how it is in music. And everyone’s like isn’t it great we can do it ourselves? But I’m thinking no it’s just not great from where I’m sitting, it’s like saying I have to be a nurse and a doctor at the same time. I don’t know how the technology of sound works anymore than I know how to fix a car engine. I just seem unable to apply myself to something I basically do not understand. It makes my head hurt and eventually I see red, like a wounded wild boar or something.

I’m not even a musician never mind a producer. I am just not a technical person. All I do is write scraps of songs on scraps of paper, have ideas and concepts that are valid. But here I am expected to be the architect, draw the plans and build the house too. It’s too much. All I can say is screw that! Which is a pity I know.

What to do if the very thing that can liberate your creativity by taking it to the next level is the very thing that is killing your creativity? I used to like studios god damn it. Now I view them with dread and suspicion like I am in the queue for maths class.

However I can just about record a vocal track and that’s a huge achievement for me (and maybe enough), like I managed to just pass my lower level maths exams with extra tuition for theorems.

But, hey, why focus on scraping through lower level maths when I can get a grade A in honours English and art without even studying much. Isn’t it just a waste of time, like trying to get a lion to be vegetarian or a bear to use a public toilet?
 

RANT OVER AND OUT.

SELF-LOVE IN THE TIME OF COVID-19

I have been self-isolating for 3 years. I self-isolated for health reasons; a brutal perimenopause which had led to extreme flooding, chronic anemia and fatigue. I also self-isolated for transformational purposes. The two ran in tandem. I was making big changes in my life. I cut myself off from people for the most part and remained house-bound with a back-drop of psychological terror due to the process I was undertaking.

Ironically I was coming out of this process in Spring 2020 just as Covid-19 happened. I was just starting to enjoy feeling stronger and was looking forward to a bit more life in my life. Needless to say it has been very weird and surreal to watch as the world goes into collective self-isolation just as I was stepping out of it. Of course I am back practicing self-isolation now. I have retreated back into that by now familiar state.

This state will perhaps be nothing new for introverts who often choose to self-isolate as a way of life, practicing Buddhist monks, people with illnesses or chronic fatigue and those who are already isolated due to other challenging circumstances; in many ways for people on the fringes whose voices may not usually be heard as much in our society as the more popular extroverted “business as usual” mainstream, those with a more external focus.  

What we are in now is an involuntary collective global retreat and I watch as the issues I faced in my period of isolation play out around me on social media, in the news and it is a very strange sensation to say the least; to emerge from my experience into a global pandemic. COVID-19 is bringing things into sharper focus, getting rid of the superfluous and narrowing things down to what’s really important; our families, our loved ones whether across the globe or down the road, our relationship with ourselves, connection to self and others. Perhaps some people are re-assessing their lives due to the virus crisis. A lot is coming up for humanity so go easy on yourselves as we enter this phase and as it all comes up to the fore. We are going through this collectively; together in our apart-ness.

As a hardened and experienced self-isolationalist – is that even a word? – I can tell you this, especially if you are an extrovert or person who likes to keep busy: psychologically it may get worse before it gets better. You may have to go through a mental and physical detox. You may find yourself chomping at the bit without all of life’s distractions. You may experience "cabin fever" - or in my case "mountain fever". You may be coming up against your pain body triggered by the situation.

To add to this humans invariably struggle with limits. First you may try to deny it then you may bargain with it. You may get frustrated, angry and even terrorised as you come up against yourself, your life and the abyss. You may even rebel. Everything is amplified. In these uncertain days our usual routines have been disrupted and we are also up against fear and panic. Plus we are worried about our loved ones. These are challenging days. Perhaps I can pass on my self-isolation toolkit for these worrying times.

Half way through my self-isolation I wrote a piece called The Dark Woods Survival Kit. Perhaps now might be the time to revisit that piece.

The mornings are the worst because I wake up in a new reality, just like I woke up after my breakdown all those years before, and I don’t recognise anything. I am terrorised. Everything is different and for a split second in the moments between sleep and waking I sometimes forget but mostly I am awoken with the grip of terror around my throat, be it in the small hours of the morning or with the dawn.

Psychological terror is my constant companion. At night I sweat and wriggle with terror. In the day I strive to keep it at bay. My old familiar reality and coping mechanisms have been stripped away and all I have is terror. I am not yet used to this new reality. I had wanted to get into the arena of life but many days I had second thoughts and just wanted relief. I just wanted to go back to my old, cosy, familiar patterns even though they were killing me. I am not ashamed to admit my cowardice. My dilemma was to pick a poison; this one will kill you and this one could also kill you. Not changing was destroying me but changing could destroy me too. At least that was how it felt.

There may be a person, a catalyst or an event that propels you into the Dark Woods. For me it was my body bleeding, up to fifteen weeks of flooding. (Note: for the world right now it is a global pandemic).

When I closed my gate and started my co-dependency detox I was unprepared for the depth of despair I would experience. Perhaps subconsciously this was why I had been avoiding doing this part of the journey. When I stepped out of my assigned roles and set my boundaries I experienced a loss and terror so profound that it kept me awake night after night. Every morning was a new nightmare as I detoxed from my illusions and bled.

Change is painful. Change is hard. Change is lonely. Change is the one true constant and true change is challenging. Changing old patterns requires monumental courage.

This is when I discovered I was in between worlds in a kind of no-man’s land, where I could not go back and I could not go forward. I was stuck. This is what I came to know as the Dark Woods.

The Dark Woods are lonely and terrifying. They are a metaphor for psychological terror. They are your and my own personal, private hell, the no-go zone. The Dark Woods are somewhere to pass through, a transition. Transitions can be incredible times for growth and new potential. What is less talked about though is how incredibly painful and brutal they can be. Once you find yourself in the Dark Woods your goal is to survive the experience and find your way out the other side using the tools you have and the skills you have honed. You have to pass through the Dark Woods but it is not wise to let the Dark Woods devour or deceive you.

Here are some things that can help in the Dark Woods (please bear in mind this list was written with codependency detox in mind but self-isolation during a global pandemic has similar hallmarks)

Some light entertainment; believe me you are going to spend a lot of time alone while you make the changes so you are going to need Netflix, YouTube and books, lots of them. You may be too distressed and deranged to read but watch self-help lectures to reinforce your decision to improve/ save your life. You will need encouragement because everything and everyone else will be pulling you backwards not forwards. In these Global Pandemic days we all have each other to turn to albeit virtually and that can be of great comfort and the great enemy is fear which we face together.

Courage & Strength; I cannot overestimate how much of this you will need. You need so much of this because the going will be tough, painful, lonely and quite frankly awful. There will be many days when you want to quit and/or return to the comfort of familiar even if it is harmful to your health.

A roof over your head; your home will become your sanctuary, your safe space so surround yourself with all the things you like and more beautiful stuff. Paint your walls a new bold colour to herald the changes in. Declutter your house as you detox. Throw old patterns out along with old junk that has been hanging around your attic. Start writing that book you always wanted to write or embark on a gardening project or something that brings you joy.

Supports; Nowadays even during a pandemic thanks to technology we can access therapists, yoga classes as well as friends and other online supports. Extra supports could be healthy diet, (in these days make sure to boost your immune systems with lots of vitamins C and D) exercise, good sleep, your favourite kind of tea and entertainment to stop you going stark raving mad. You will need breaks from the intensity of the experience when you are putting the long, hard hours in. You will be engaging in psychological warfare with your head. Above all BE KIND to yourself during this time. Ultimately the experience will be more strengthening than devastating for us all - one hopes and prays - and we will inevitably be changed as we are by any big experience.

Me in my woman-cave in danger of turning into the duuude!

Here is a really heartening local article full of good advice: https://westcorkpeople.ie/columnists/returning-home-to-ourselves/?fbclid=IwAR0CpkBWWYxlcZuZGkPp-CxhWymZ5fmwQ0AlHmDUaKb2ussxV474tkOuhv4

There is a wealth of good resources online which I shall update here as I come across them.
https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/una-mullally-corona-correction-cannot-be-unseen-or-unfelt-1.4209234?fbclid=IwAR2ZXfUziqJj8XedhjmyQ-YuyeNRh0inGtosrAKkE4gYLaZ9IzsRYcpNPy4

https://www.imaginalfutures.com/islands/and-the-people-stayed?fbclid=IwAR2_G3ziEB-ejNMI9N7rgRboMrQX-n01jE17RV-qxdgWA9c4IKs2B0twVSA

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/25/why-its-healthy-to-be-afraid-in-a-crisis?fbclid=IwAR1y-SWgJpQc597qYRluV6wZeJ1i_3Y7fAZbRfLklyEkh-b1sXn7D246u8Q