Coming Out

Did you know that females with high functioning autism are often not diagnosed or misdiagnosed because they are so good at “masking”. Masking is the suppressing of repetitive behaviours such as stimming or talking about obsessive interests to mimicking and imitating neuro-typical behaviours. Highly intelligent girls get diagnosed as late as 45 years of age. Female aspies are typically misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders, depression or bipolar – in all of these cases though undiagnosed autism is the underlying issue. In general social acceptance is more important for girls than boys on the spectrum.

Did you know that female aspies often make excellent mothers who are playful and loving? When it comes to work female aspies are mostly found in health care work or the performing arts. Did you know that female aspies often have a childlike voice and a nice singing voice due to a good ear and perfect pitch? The women are often very young looking and emotionally start to mature around aged 40 (like men). They are very sensitive to sound and smell. Due to exhaustion from masking or feeling different and unaccepted female aspies can socially isolate themselves. If she is under too much pressure she can have huge melt downs and shut downs. She can revert to repetitive movements to self-soothe (like rocking for example) or sleeping in the foetal position. It is quite common for female aspies to experience burn outs and breakdowns from pushing themselves too hard with work or socially (trying to fit in, pretending to be normal). Masking can really exhaust and drain the aspie girl and cause extreme anxiety. Here is an excellent article on the costs of camoflaging autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/costs-camouflaging-autism/ 

I have long suspected that I am on the spectrum. I have had the experience of "masking". On a good, confident day when I feel strong it is like climbing into another skin and can be quite enjoyable. As a young woman I loved inhabiting identities and experimenting and exploring. But over the years it took it's toll and left me feeling drained, exhausted and even angry. Then on a bad day it turned into what I would call "bracing" myself. Anyway I remember the day the penny dropped. I had always felt different and outside of things. I knew there was something very different about me as I had always felt like an alien. I had experienced lots of confusion in my life. Also I had experienced all the classic milestones that aspie girls go through in my teens and twenties; a mild eating disorder, self-harm, panic-attacks, anxiety and depression followed by an actual breakdown/ blow up in my late twenties. My younger half-brother had been diagnosed with Aspergers but because boys present so differently to girls I never suspected that I had it too. My A-ha! moment came when I watched a YouTube lecture by Tony Atwood. See video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfOHnt4PMFo As I sat and listened I wondered how did he get into my brain? How did this man know me so well? I was somewhat stunned, I felt found out, busted, outed, seen. I felt a mixture of feelings but mostly relief at feeling understood which made me cry.

Looking back the hardest thing in my life has been relationships, especially romantic relationships. I would describe myself as a bull in a china shop when it comes to relationships with men. In many ways I am better at being friends with men than being in a relationship with them. I have lost count of the amount of times I have offended men and been left perplexed by the whole thing. One of the reasons for this is my inability to filter things out I think.

One of my obsessions is NT females - neurotypical aka “normal”. To me they are fascinating creatures to be studied. They are a source of endless mystery to me. I study them in films, interviews, photographs and real life. Sometimes I feel like a zoologist in the jungle studying an exotic creature. When it comes to fantasy women I love film noir ladies. When I was a little girl I also liked the barmaids in the saloon though it was the cowboy I could relate to better. I think I see women through men’s eyes because a high functioning autistic brain as well as being gargantuan and alien is also more male. I do not want to be with the women though, I want to be the women. I know I can only act like them though and this is a great source of sadness for me. I feel inadequate, excluded and alien but trapped in a very female body and face ironically! I know I look like a woman but I do not feel like one. I feel like a colossal weirdo.

When it comes to relationships I struggle. High functioning autism is known as the relationship disorder. In my relationships with women I struggle to understand the inner workings of their mental and emotional lives. With men I operate very well as one of the lads but in romantic relationships I really struggle. Exclusivity is a minefield for me. Sex and romance is a minefield. Exclusivity feels like I am on a conveyor belt of women but I am magnified while all the others are out of focus. I cannot filter out all the other women. Usually I want to befriend and integrate them all. At this stage in my life I have an ocean of women integrated into my psyche. Everybody struggles to a greater or lesser extent with this but can filter it out. I, on the other hand, cannot. Also I find it hard to just pretend other lovers never existed.

Over the years it has gradually transformed. I find exclusive relationships inherently lonely and in many ways they reinforce my feeling even more misunderstood and weird. Plus I often feel disconnected from women. I have a difficulty understanding sexuality which is a vast area. The mistake I always make is to share the bizarre contents of my mind which usually leaves men anything from befuddled, bewildered to offended, upset and angry. This is because I cannot lie about such deep things. I am in agreement with the experts that desire is an inherently narcissistic mechanism. I am unable to join humanity’s collective delusion. Unfortunately I know too much. 

Of course it is with the eyes of the heart we see in romantic love - and the animal for sex. The heart lives in the moment. My gargantuan brain lives in the past, present and future. Too much intelligence destroys romantic love which bypasses the brain. Perhaps this is why I would like to be a bimbo! Love is about letting go and enjoying whichever magnified (and therefore exclusive) lover you are with at present and forgetting about all the out of focus ones on the conveyer belt of both your previous and future lovers. Somehow I find comfort in the fact that we are all interconnected though I know that is breaking the rules of the desire game. In the wilds a female Asperger animal would not fare very well. I am meant to feel threatened by other women when it comes to men but the truth is I am curious and want to befriend them, study them and talk about our common lover. Perhaps this is why I love the movie Annie Hall so much because it deals with all these issues in a very open, funny and quirky way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A2li5vM8_0