Corset or Straitjacket? ~ What's your prison?

How is society controlling you?

Many of us can feel controlled and limited by the various different forces in our lives; by our circumstances, by our roles, our partners, our families, our friends. Often these forces come from within too when we dig deep. I am controlled by others expectations of me (to be the good girl, the kind girl, the available girl, the sweet carer, the thoughtful friend, the understanding woman) and this has kept me in a psychological straitjacket most of my adult life. It has been a monumental battle since I emerged from my mother's womb to be myself. Many things have compromised me along the way, but mostly my relationships.

This video on the struggles of the Life Path 11 has helped me a lot. It is important to find your true life's calling and self-expression; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z12hTOJOwio

Coming Out

Did you know that females with high functioning autism are often not diagnosed or misdiagnosed because they are so good at “masking”. Masking is the suppressing of repetitive behaviours such as stimming or talking about obsessive interests to mimicking and imitating neuro-typical behaviours. Highly intelligent girls get diagnosed as late as 45 years of age. Female aspies are typically misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders, depression or bipolar – in all of these cases though undiagnosed autism is the underlying issue. In general social acceptance is more important for girls than boys on the spectrum.

Did you know that female aspies often make excellent mothers who are playful and loving? When it comes to work female aspies are mostly found in health care work or the performing arts. Did you know that female aspies often have a childlike voice and a nice singing voice due to a good ear and perfect pitch? The women are often very young looking and emotionally start to mature around aged 40 (like men). They are very sensitive to sound and smell. Due to exhaustion from masking or feeling different and unaccepted female aspies can socially isolate themselves. If she is under too much pressure she can have huge melt downs and shut downs. She can revert to repetitive movements to self-soothe (like rocking for example) or sleeping in the foetal position. It is quite common for female aspies to experience burn outs and breakdowns from pushing themselves too hard with work or socially (trying to fit in, pretending to be normal). Masking can really exhaust and drain the aspie girl and cause extreme anxiety. Here is an excellent article on the costs of camoflaging autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/costs-camouflaging-autism/ 

I have long suspected that I am on the spectrum. I have had the experience of "masking". On a good, confident day when I feel strong it is like climbing into another skin and can be quite enjoyable. As a young woman I loved inhabiting identities and experimenting and exploring. But over the years it took it's toll and left me feeling drained, exhausted and even angry. Then on a bad day it turned into what I would call "bracing" myself. Anyway I remember the day the penny dropped. I had always felt different and outside of things. I knew there was something very different about me as I had always felt like an alien. I had experienced lots of confusion in my life. Also I had experienced all the classic milestones that aspie girls go through in my teens and twenties; a mild eating disorder, self-harm, panic-attacks, anxiety and depression followed by an actual breakdown/ blow up in my late twenties. My younger half-brother had been diagnosed with Aspergers but because boys present so differently to girls I never suspected that I had it too. My A-ha! moment came when I watched a YouTube lecture by Tony Atwood. See video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfOHnt4PMFo As I sat and listened I wondered how did he get into my brain? How did this man know me so well? I was somewhat stunned, I felt found out, busted, outed, seen. I felt a mixture of feelings but mostly relief at feeling understood which made me cry.

Looking back the hardest thing in my life has been relationships, especially romantic relationships. I would describe myself as a bull in a china shop when it comes to relationships with men. In many ways I am better at being friends with men than being in a relationship with them. I have lost count of the amount of times I have offended men and been left perplexed by the whole thing. One of the reasons for this is my inability to filter things out I think.

One of my obsessions is NT females - neurotypical aka “normal”. To me they are fascinating creatures to be studied. They are a source of endless mystery to me. I study them in films, interviews, photographs and real life. Sometimes I feel like a zoologist in the jungle studying an exotic creature. When it comes to fantasy women I love film noir ladies. When I was a little girl I also liked the barmaids in the saloon though it was the cowboy I could relate to better. I think I see women through men’s eyes because a high functioning autistic brain as well as being gargantuan and alien is also more male. I do not want to be with the women though, I want to be the women. I know I can only act like them though and this is a great source of sadness for me. I feel inadequate, excluded and alien but trapped in a very female body and face ironically! I know I look like a woman but I do not feel like one. I feel like a colossal weirdo.

When it comes to relationships I struggle. High functioning autism is known as the relationship disorder. In my relationships with women I struggle to understand the inner workings of their mental and emotional lives. With men I operate very well as one of the lads but in romantic relationships I really struggle. Exclusivity is a minefield for me. Sex and romance is a minefield. Exclusivity feels like I am on a conveyor belt of women but I am magnified while all the others are out of focus. I cannot filter out all the other women. Usually I want to befriend and integrate them all. At this stage in my life I have an ocean of women integrated into my psyche. Everybody struggles to a greater or lesser extent with this but can filter it out. I, on the other hand, cannot. Also I find it hard to just pretend other lovers never existed.

Over the years it has gradually transformed. I find exclusive relationships inherently lonely and in many ways they reinforce my feeling even more misunderstood and weird. Plus I often feel disconnected from women. I have a difficulty understanding sexuality which is a vast area. The mistake I always make is to share the bizarre contents of my mind which usually leaves men anything from befuddled, bewildered to offended, upset and angry. This is because I cannot lie about such deep things. I am in agreement with the experts that desire is an inherently narcissistic mechanism. I am unable to join humanity’s collective delusion. Unfortunately I know too much. 

Of course it is with the eyes of the heart we see in romantic love - and the animal for sex. The heart lives in the moment. My gargantuan brain lives in the past, present and future. Too much intelligence destroys romantic love which bypasses the brain. Perhaps this is why I would like to be a bimbo! Love is about letting go and enjoying whichever magnified (and therefore exclusive) lover you are with at present and forgetting about all the out of focus ones on the conveyer belt of both your previous and future lovers. Somehow I find comfort in the fact that we are all interconnected though I know that is breaking the rules of the desire game. In the wilds a female Asperger animal would not fare very well. I am meant to feel threatened by other women when it comes to men but the truth is I am curious and want to befriend them, study them and talk about our common lover. Perhaps this is why I love the movie Annie Hall so much because it deals with all these issues in a very open, funny and quirky way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A2li5vM8_0

Dilemma

What to do when you are faced with my dilemma; not changing was destroying me but changing could also destroy me. Being myself could get me killed (metaphorically) yet paradoxically not being myself could kill me too! What's a girl to do?

Extract from my diary; self-analysis aged 17

Wed ~ August 30th 1989

My problems:

over-romantic
unrealistic
paranoid
melo-dramatic
self-orientated (at times)
easily influenced

Oh dear!

(I was just 17 when I wrote this including the Oh dear! I sound like a classic 4 on the Enneagram)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ba5IWs66488

Talismans, Totems and Guides

Sometimes during tough times in our lives, someone or something gets us through a particular phase. When I was in the throes of my breakdown I was given a little talisman, it was a stone that looked like the face of a bear. I carried it in a little beaded purse that I wore around my neck. Sometimes I would take it out and hold it, stroking the smooth glassy surface, and it comforted me. Around the same time I was given a rose quartz stone known for heart chakra healing powers which I would hold in my heart hand. I am not sure if it was psychological but I was sure I felt the healing power of love rushing up my arm and into my heart.

Crazy things comfort me; a hare runs across the road, I Google "what does it mean when a hare crosses your path?" when I get home (it is to do with the goddess). At this stage I know what most messages totem animal spirit guides are put in our path to deliver! I enjoy the irrational and mysterious language of the soul. It is an upside down world. The supernatural is interwoven into our rational literal world but you have to look for the signs. Often it is subtle albeit synchronistic. The soul is not neccessarily something we can understand with our minds, it appeals more to our open hearts. It is hard to define or pinpoint and it has it's own logic which often defies the logic of our minds. It can be like a waking dream. Perhaps this is why I can actually commune with madmen and speaking of madmen...

In my early forties I went through another psychologically tumultuous time (c'mon, when isn't it rocky for me?!) During this time I listened to Mark Lanegan on a loop. It sounds crazy but his voice (that voice!) and his lyrics got me through some tough times. I would play his CDs in my car and just slip into an alternative universe where my soul brother got me through. Sometimes I think we have soul families. I think Mark Lanegan is a soul brother. Lanegan is famously emotionally guarded and yet his songs are achingly emotional. I can relate. Music is the medium he can express himself through. Real life, on the other hand, is a challenge. His songs about the darker side of the street, the wrong side of the tracks, survival and redemption are poignant, dark, beautiful and uplifting. He is like an old buzzard in the desert. No wonder they call him Dark Mark!

Lanegan is a heavyweight; an ex-heavy rocker with a heavy lifestyle. His battles with drug addiction are well known and he only cleaned up in his fifties. He knows the demon so well, intimately in fact, which is why I can relate to his songs. Here is someone who has been there and has lived to tell the tale (or should I say sing the tale!) In a world of charlatans and pretenders Lanegan is the real thing. He is complicated, contradictory and contrary; the moody rocker who is very polite, the heavy rocker who likes disco beats, the intimidating presence who is very humble, the outsider who loves working with everyone, the extroverted introvert, the rebel and the accommodating guy, the man who has been to hell and back and done a few rounds with his demons, also the man who advised his friend to get a fence put up near the river so his kid would be safe or as Josh Homme said “the meanest nice guy I have ever met!” All of this I can relate to very well. So I wasn’t surprised to discover that Mark Lanegan is a fire sign and 29/11 life path which I am too. No wonder I could relate to him so well even though he is a gravelly, whiskey-soaked baritone. 

You can imagine how disappointed I was when he came to Dublin and though I had a ticket to his show I could not go due to poor health and zero energy levels. Luckily Lanegan comes to Ireland a lot on tour (he has Irish roots after all) so I shall catch him next time he comes to town. We all need inspiration and someone who speaks to our soul. I have saved the unused ticket as a testament to survival. After years of wanting to duet with Lanegan the irony is that I unexpectedly met another gravelly voiced rocker but that is another story… ;-)

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/rockandpopfeatures/9114066/Mark-Lanegan-rock-survivor-despite-his-best-efforts.html

Death's Head Tattoo (from the album Gargoyle)

Wild thing
See the monkey in the jungle swing
Canary in the cavern sing
That the devil lives in anything
C'mon people
You know that I ain't got the wherewithal
When California starts to crawl
Makes a poor man leave his home
And if I cry for you, baby
Your death's head tattoo made me
Pray for the last one standing
Holding a loaded gun
I can see her there
Under the golden sun

Wild thing
See the man up on the gallows swing
See the creature walking through the weeds
In a garden grown from evil seeds
C'mon people
You know I can't afford to reconcile
When California starts to crawl
Makes a poor child leave its home
And if I cry for you, baby
Your death's head tattoo made me
Pray for the last one standing
Holding a loaded gun
I can see her there
Under the golden sun

Better the devil you know
Than the devil you don't

How do I belong and be true to myself?

For some reason I never felt I had the same rights as everyone else to be myself. In truth there was nobody really stopping me except me. To be honest I was not sure who “myself” was in the first place. It was quite a fluid landscape and a complex place once I started looking closer. I knew I felt things quite acutely and experienced a lot of discomfort due to this affliction. I suffered from sensitivity. However I was also aware of a dark side that left unfettered could turn into a dangerous weapon. I never knew where I began and others ended. I felt it my duty and responsibility to soothe people, placate people, calm people, love people, heal people, to be there for people no matter what regardless of what was going on in my life. This made me push down and park huge parts of myself and become frustrated and at times like I would break under the pressure.

When I was exploring what my needs were with my therapist I was astounded to discover that I could not identify any need except the need for space. It came above my need for connection. What was paramount I realised was connection with myself first and foremost. I needed the time and space to process experiences and to discover who I am and what I need. I know I need space and time alone to recharge or I crack up. I really suffer if I do not get this space. In the maelstrom of meeting other people’s needs in my life I had gone years without honouring this fundamental need of mine. The next need I have is to connect to silence and nature and what I call the source. The source is a universal energy that is love. I cannot decide if the source is within me or outside of me. I have come to the conclusion that it is both. I need to connect to both myself and this source before I can function well in the world. If I do not do this I will suffer and so will the people in my life by default.

Once I have explored the space and the source and I have these things in alignment I need to know my kids are OK. In truth I need to know that always, even before I get space but I will be more effective at coping and dealing with any issues they or we have coming up if I have tuned into myself and the source. I need to stay connected to my kids because it is my duty as a parent to be emotionally available to them with both unconditional love and tough love. In their younger years I often did not get my need for space or source met and this was very challenging.

I need my family. Relationships with family members can be exceptionally complex but the feeling of belonging can also be profoundly rewarding in those unspoken moments. There are places you go with family that run deep, both good and bad. A lot of it is unconscious. At the end of the day you can rely on your family because your family has your back (if they are a half way decent family which is most families). Of course there are exceptions to this rule. My relationship with my family is always going to be important to me. I know that families can grow a bigger heart to accommodate change no matter how painful the process. Without my family I am torn out of the tapestry of the family soul and it is impossible to find deep healing in that place of exile for me. Nothing will work for me if I am estranged from them. I may need to set up some boundaries for myself but the bonds of blood run deep for me.

Next I need to feel connected to women. I say this before I say a man because I like the Eastern approach of being in the women’s room (the mother’s house) before you go to a man (the father’s house). I am a woman therefore I need to establish my relationship to other females. There is much research to suggest that women who have close relationships with a few close friends and/or women’s groups like a lunar lodge or a yoga group fare better much in life. For me personally I believe this to be true. There are things that you just cannot get from a man and the woman-to-woman bond is one of them. Without this I am miserable and my life is less enjoyable. So I need good women to be a part of my life. I am definitely not a woman who gets all her needs met in the couple relationship. I scored very low on the Hera goddess archetype lol.

I need my man, my partner. I need my partner for love and connection, for companionship and understanding, for support and sharing, for adventure, romance and desire, for a sense of deep belonging and in order to create the new future family. I need all of the above in place before I can fully give myself to a man though or it will not work because I cannot be myself with a man who does not let me be myself. This is in part due to the fact that he will share such a large part of my life.  How can we deny how equally important men are to women. We need men to make babies with and to love, support and protect us. Yes there are destructive men (and women) out there but that does not mean we should abandon the laws of nature and deny ourselves what is essentially a beautiful (if at times infuriating) thing.  

Last but definitely not least I need my work, my creative path. This is a huge need and leads to the need for meaning and the “why am I here?” conundrum. All of the above needs stem mainly from the need for attachment (bar space and source though one could argue that is a need to attach to self and God) but my creative path stems from my need for authenticity and self-expression. Of course I need authenticity in my relationships too but my work is an exercise in undiluted authenticity. It is where I grapple with meaning, the human condition, beauty, philosophy, form and all of those things. It is where I really express myself without holding back in any way - in a way that may be too extreme for social interaction/ convention not to mention inappropriate. It is where I make connections with people I work with though I often work alone. It is where I cross over to the other side or dig deep to understand why am I here. It can be a challenging and lonely place as well as a deeply rewarding and nourishing place. One thing is for sure I need my work. I tried to deny that fact for many years and I think it made me sick. 

So in short,  yes I need to care but I also need to create. My caring part is centred around people, belonging and attachment and my creating part is centred around myself, my experiences, adventure, being daring & bold, pushing boundaries, being authentic and belonging to myself and the world at large. My work is from me and very personal but as such often translates as a universal experience. In many ways the personal and the universal end up being different sides of the same coin!