To be born a woman....

"To be born a woman has to be born, within an allotted and confined space, into the keeping of men. The social presence of women is developed as a result of their ingenuity in living under such tutelage within such a limited space. But this has been at the cost of a woman’s self being split into two. A woman must continually watch herself. She is almost continually accompanied by her own image of herself. Whilst she is walking across a room or whilst she is weeping at the death of her father, she can scarcely avoid envisaging herself walking or weeping. From earliest childhood she has been taught and persuaded to survey herself continually. And so she comes to consider the surveyor and the surveyed within her as the two constituent yet always distinct elements of her identity as a woman. She has to survey everything she is and everything she does because how she appears to men, is of crucial importance for what is normally thought of as the success of her life. Her own sense of being in herself is supplanted by a sense of being appreciated as herself by another….One might simplify this by saying: men act and women appear. Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women but also the relation of women to themselves. The surveyor of woman in herself is male: the surveyed female. Thus she turns herself into an object — and most particularly an object of vision: a sight." 

~ John Berger from Ways of Seeing (my Dartington bible)

For Madmen Only!

One of my favourite books in my teens was Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse. I had read all of Hesse's novels but that one left a deep impression on me. However after a life of encounters with madmen I think they are easier in novels...

All my life I have attracted madmen; paranoid, possessive, intense, demanding lunatics and antisocial outsider weirdos who want to control my every move, thought, feeling once I am in their orbit. I have always fought for them, tried to include them by committing social suicide myself, been their bridge, defended them, bolstered up their self-esteem at the expense of myself. I have emotionally over-functioned, tip-toed around their talent and tantrums, listened to their lunacy (usually bizarre paranoid fantasies or conspiracy theories) and indulged their delusions – whilst neglecting my own daydreams. I have nurtured them and cultivated their (usually vast and unique) creativity whilst neglecting or completely abandoning my own. I have put my entire being on hold to accommodate them. I have held myself back, procrastinated along with them… I leave my life to sit in hell with them or manage their chaos only adding to my own (and I am chaotic as it is!) The time has come to admit that I myself am mental and I don’t need any more madmen in my life. I am perfectly capable of nurturing my own unique madness rather than attending to theirs. The truth is I enjoy the company of madmen but it is hard work being their lover too, they immediately expect you to be their carer and that becomes a heavy burden for me. It is much easier being single and having a madman as a friend (because let's face it, they make for great and interesting conversation and never a dull moment with a madman!)

Housing the Mystery

“Aphrodite women always stand out. Go to any public venue and wait for the moment of recognition. There she is – the “it” girl. Tall and slim, or short and slim, blonde or raven or red-haired, it matters not. Whether she dresses like a princess or a prostitute, she has the unmistakable spark that is the touch of Aphrodite, the golden goddess of love and beauty in Greek mythology. Women who embody the Aphrodite archetype have much less choice in how they behave or react than they, or others, imagine. The myths tell us that Aphrodite qualities are essential for the joy of life, but the shadow side manifests when a woman is completely identified with Aphrodite’s powers, when other archetypal qualities of the feminine are unimportant to her.” ~ TRAGIC BEAUTY The Dark Side of Venus Aphrodite and the Loss and Regeneration of Soul. by Arlene Diane Landau

“There are certain types of women who seem to be made by nature to attract anima projections; indeed one could almost speak of a definite “anima” type. The so-called “sphinxlike” character is an indispensable part of their equipment, also an equivocalness, an intriguing elusiveness – not an indefinite blur that offers nothing, but an indefiniteness that seems full of promises, like the speaking silence of a Mona Lisa. A woman of this kind is both old and young, mother and daughter, of more than doubtful chastity, childlike and yet endowed with a naïve cunning that is extremely disarming for men.” ~ Extract from Marriage as a Psychological Relationship by Carl Jung.

If a woman has Venus Aphrodite as her primary archetype she is usually considered an Anima woman. A strong current of Venus running through her makes it virtually impossible for this to be otherwise. Venus is the alchemical goddess, both vulnerable (meaning existing in relation to others) and virgin (meaning independent) whereas all the other goddesses are one or the other. Venus is both vulnerable and ferociously independent, herein lies her core contradiction. It is at the heart of her archetype which is why she is the creative goddess of love and beauty. Both she and others, especially when young, will not know what is happening. This “spark” goes beyond the exterior though it has to be acknowledged that Aphrodite women are often good looking. Traditionally the Anima woman is the muse. Venus is a priestess of Love. Venus is compelling and magnetic. She is the light and the light is surrounded by darkness. Sometimes, as with a nebula, at the centre is a black hole; the void, the mystery, divine love.

Being an Anima woman means you effortlessly activate powerful energies in other people, both men and women. Often you will not know why and even be blissfully unaware of your potent magic. You are just being yourself but being yourself as an Anima Venus type will elicit powerful and often destructive feelings in others. An Anima woman is like a child-woman; she can activate passion and possessiveness in both men and women, she can activate jealousy in women and desire in men and in some cases vice versa. People will want to love her or destroy her, depending on their drives, but they can never ignore her though many will feign indifference. Everybody has an opinion on her. Few want to integrate or include her. Many times this can cause her much pain and many times she will hide out to cope with the barrage and weight of the projections. These times she will feel hurt by life, she will feel misunderstood, degraded, dehumanised and dismissed as unimportant. These wounds and traumas can accumulate over the years causing her to withdraw and deny her talents because they get her into too much trouble. 

People have a fear of joy, love, freedom, the divine and creative power. Aphrodite represents all these things, they are inherent to her being and she cannot hide them. She sits by the source of undiluted joy and unbridled love. This triggers huge reactions in people as our culture tries to deny these elements, dismiss them as unimportant, trivial. They are viewed as childish pursuits.

It takes many years for an Anima woman to comprehend what is happening and to master her special powers. At her highest she is creativity central and inspires others to be their greatest, she can love one man and stay with one man, and at her lowest she drifts aimlessly from lover to lover never activating her own creativity and thus not fulfilling her destiny. She confuses sex with the act of creativity, the two become blurred, the two go hand in hand. A Venus woman is acutely conscious of how sexuality and creativity are twins. This special knowledge makes her seem somewhat dangerous though on her part it is intrinsic to her life and she is imbued with a kind of innocence and joy. She will focus on all her lovers’ talents rather than her own never realising that she is just postponing her own growth. She is caught up in the spell of her own myth-making and caught in the net of drawing out others’ greatness instead of her own. In short she is afraid of her own formidable power. It is advisable that a Venus woman develop other aspects and roles too – eg. mother, friend etc rather than just romantic lovers.

If you are an Anima Venus type woman it is vital that you develop other archetypes in yourself especially as you age. It is also advisable to shift from the muse role to an artist in your own right. Anima women make excellent artists because they house the mystery. They are the spark of creation. They possess magical powers. They are a walking contradiction, (the free spirit allowing themselves to belong to others, for example) like any artist worth their salt. If a woman does not develop other qualities her life has the potential to become tragic. If she has been hurt a lot, which is inevitable given her role in this life, she will have a ferocious side.

Having magical powers comes with a high price!

Skeleton Woman on the Seabed

I have spent 2 years on the floor of the ocean. I have bled excessively during this time like I am releasing a lifetime of pent-up emotions. From years of “masking”, bracing myself, being stubborn, headstrong, over-functioning and pushing through to meet the demands of others; partners, children, people in need, friends and family instead of myself I have got seriously out of balance. I did not listen to my body. I did not honour my body enough. I did honour her somewhat but not nearly as much as I should have. This is something I am paying for now. I abandoned myself instead of having the courage to be myself and free myself from the shackles of others' expectations, instead of being unapologetic about my chosen life path and choices.

Examples include; fighting with partners and wasting precious energy giving them a defensive manifesto as to why they needed to give me space instead of just calmly and firmly setting my boundary and taking my space regardless of their issues with it, taking on a project or a job and then not taking a day or two off for myself around my moontime, being accommodating when I wanted to be alone, ranting with other women about my PMT and refuelling the anger instead of taking my power in all areas of my life – (though offloading with other women was a very helpful release, I must admit), drinking wine to deal with PMT (definitely not a good idea), not cancelling a dinner date or social event when I was bleeding and wanted to cancel etc etc. 

The only ones over the years who honoured me were my children because I taught them to. I explained to them that “mummy needs some space now because mummy has her period” and they were sweet little stars. I am encouraging my son to be sensitive to the needs of a woman during her moontime and I am encouraging my daughter to honour her body and herself during her moontime. I just wish I could have done it more for myself as this would be the best education for my daughter. This education is sorely lacking from our culture. An excellent book on the stages of a woman’s cycle can be found here https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25569078-moon-time and a good article on the woman’s cycle can be found here https://risingwoman.com/4-archetypes-of-the-female-cycle/ 

So what is it like on the floor of the ocean? I got this analogy from listening to an excellent podcast on the Sacred Womb series of talks here https://www.thesacredwomb.com/how-to-manifest-with-the-menstrual-cycle-2-resting/ 

The bleeding cycle is Winter, the Crone. It is like meeting Hekate. If you think of our menstrual cycle as waves, the wave has to reach the bottom of the ocean to gain the momentum to rise back up again, as we must with our menstrual cycle. From this place we are rejuvenated, replenished and ready for the new (Sacred Womb podcast). Except that I got stuck on the floor of the ocean bleeding oceans of blood and not rising again. During this time I became Skeleton Woman again as I had in my twenties during my breakdown. Except in my twenties I lost my bleeding time altogether. Perhaps I was bleeding out those lost two years now.

Skeleton Woman is based on an old Inuit love story retold by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her wonderful book (my bible) Women Who Run with the Wolves (Contacting the Power of the Wild Woman). Listen to it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sfz5y5rMQcI My descent to the floor of the ocean coincided with meeting my life partner. We had an instant connection and a deep yet turbulent chemistry in part due to us both being burnt out and a bit broken by life. In many ways he was the fisherman and I was Skeleton Woman on the seabed. So many synchronistic and unusual phenomena occurred which was beautiful and yet it was also a dark and difficult time mostly due to the circumstances of our lives and our traumas colliding. Out of this though we managed to alchemise our creativity and a new project was born. Either way I as I descended to the floor of the ocean my brave fisherman managed to haul me out and give me new life as I also did for him, I hope. This is a beautiful piece of writing on the power of a man giving his whole heart and how it be transformative for both a man and a woman here https://www.bedlamfarm.com/2015/07/14/the-story-of-skeleton-woman-when-a-man-gives-his-whole-heart/ 

And here how the soul is ready for love but the man might run and put up defences https://foxrivermamas.com/2015/06/29/when-the-soul-is-ready-skeleton-woman-and-the-fisherman/ 

Transforming scars https://artoftransformingscars.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/skeleton-woman-as-told-by-clarissa-pinkola-estes/ 

Here is a beautiful piece of music and spoken word by Daniel Lanois on the theme of the fisherman and the sea https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOXVL1INq28 

Here is a song by Mark Lanegan called The Floor of the Ocean from his album Phantom Radio  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BkMifNY3pY 

Moon in Your Mouth by Goldfrapp https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFCqp6I2lcs 

Corset or Straitjacket? ~ What's your prison?

How is society controlling you?

Many of us can feel controlled and limited by the various different forces in our lives; by our circumstances, by our roles, our partners, our families, our friends. Often these forces come from within too when we dig deep. I am controlled by others expectations of me (to be the good girl, the kind girl, the available girl, the sweet carer, the thoughtful friend, the understanding woman) and this has kept me in a psychological straitjacket most of my adult life. It has been a monumental battle since I emerged from my mother's womb to be myself. Many things have compromised me along the way, but mostly my relationships.

This video on the struggles of the Life Path 11 has helped me a lot. It is important to find your true life's calling and self-expression; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z12hTOJOwio

Coming Out

Did you know that females with high functioning autism are often not diagnosed or misdiagnosed because they are so good at “masking”. Masking is the suppressing of repetitive behaviours such as stimming or talking about obsessive interests to mimicking and imitating neuro-typical behaviours. Highly intelligent girls get diagnosed as late as 45 years of age. Female aspies are typically misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders, depression or bipolar – in all of these cases though undiagnosed autism is the underlying issue. In general social acceptance is more important for girls than boys on the spectrum.

Did you know that female aspies often make excellent mothers who are playful and loving? When it comes to work female aspies are mostly found in health care work or the performing arts. Did you know that female aspies often have a childlike voice and a nice singing voice due to a good ear and perfect pitch? The women are often very young looking and emotionally start to mature around aged 40 (like men). They are very sensitive to sound and smell. Due to exhaustion from masking or feeling different and unaccepted female aspies can socially isolate themselves. If she is under too much pressure she can have huge melt downs and shut downs. She can revert to repetitive movements to self-soothe (like rocking for example) or sleeping in the foetal position. It is quite common for female aspies to experience burn outs and breakdowns from pushing themselves too hard with work or socially (trying to fit in, pretending to be normal). Masking can really exhaust and drain the aspie girl and cause extreme anxiety. Here is an excellent article on the costs of camoflaging autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/costs-camouflaging-autism/ 

I have long suspected that I am on the spectrum. I have had the experience of "masking". On a good, confident day when I feel strong it is like climbing into another skin and can be quite enjoyable. As a young woman I loved inhabiting identities and experimenting and exploring. But over the years it took it's toll and left me feeling drained, exhausted and even angry. Then on a bad day it turned into what I would call "bracing" myself. Anyway I remember the day the penny dropped. I had always felt different and outside of things. I knew there was something very different about me as I had always felt like an alien. I had experienced lots of confusion in my life. Also I had experienced all the classic milestones that aspie girls go through in my teens and twenties; a mild eating disorder, self-harm, panic-attacks, anxiety and depression followed by an actual breakdown/ blow up in my late twenties. My younger half-brother had been diagnosed with Aspergers but because boys present so differently to girls I never suspected that I had it too. My A-ha! moment came when I watched a YouTube lecture by Tony Atwood. See video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfOHnt4PMFo As I sat and listened I wondered how did he get into my brain? How did this man know me so well? I was somewhat stunned, I felt found out, busted, outed, seen. I felt a mixture of feelings but mostly relief at feeling understood which made me cry.

Looking back the hardest thing in my life has been relationships, especially romantic relationships. I would describe myself as a bull in a china shop when it comes to relationships with men. In many ways I am better at being friends with men than being in a relationship with them. I have lost count of the amount of times I have offended men and been left perplexed by the whole thing. One of the reasons for this is my inability to filter things out I think.

One of my obsessions is NT females - neurotypical aka “normal”. To me they are fascinating creatures to be studied. They are a source of endless mystery to me. I study them in films, interviews, photographs and real life. Sometimes I feel like a zoologist in the jungle studying an exotic creature. When it comes to fantasy women I love film noir ladies. When I was a little girl I also liked the barmaids in the saloon though it was the cowboy I could relate to better. I think I see women through men’s eyes because a high functioning autistic brain as well as being gargantuan and alien is also more male. I do not want to be with the women though, I want to be the women. I know I can only act like them though and this is a great source of sadness for me. I feel inadequate, excluded and alien but trapped in a very female body and face ironically! I know I look like a woman but I do not feel like one. I feel like a colossal weirdo.

When it comes to relationships I struggle. High functioning autism is known as the relationship disorder. In my relationships with women I struggle to understand the inner workings of their mental and emotional lives. With men I operate very well as one of the lads but in romantic relationships I really struggle. Exclusivity is a minefield for me. Sex and romance is a minefield. Exclusivity feels like I am on a conveyor belt of women but I am magnified while all the others are out of focus. I cannot filter out all the other women. Usually I want to befriend and integrate them all. At this stage in my life I have an ocean of women integrated into my psyche. Everybody struggles to a greater or lesser extent with this but can filter it out. I, on the other hand, cannot. Also I find it hard to just pretend other lovers never existed.

Over the years it has gradually transformed. I find exclusive relationships inherently lonely and in many ways they reinforce my feeling even more misunderstood and weird. Plus I often feel disconnected from women. I have a difficulty understanding sexuality which is a vast area. The mistake I always make is to share the bizarre contents of my mind which usually leaves men anything from befuddled, bewildered to offended, upset and angry. This is because I cannot lie about such deep things. I am in agreement with the experts that desire is an inherently narcissistic mechanism. I am unable to join humanity’s collective delusion. Unfortunately I know too much. 

Of course it is with the eyes of the heart we see in romantic love - and the animal for sex. The heart lives in the moment. My gargantuan brain lives in the past, present and future. Too much intelligence destroys romantic love which bypasses the brain. Perhaps this is why I would like to be a bimbo! Love is about letting go and enjoying whichever magnified (and therefore exclusive) lover you are with at present and forgetting about all the out of focus ones on the conveyer belt of both your previous and future lovers. Somehow I find comfort in the fact that we are all interconnected though I know that is breaking the rules of the desire game. In the wilds a female Asperger animal would not fare very well. I am meant to feel threatened by other women when it comes to men but the truth is I am curious and want to befriend them, study them and talk about our common lover. Perhaps this is why I love the movie Annie Hall so much because it deals with all these issues in a very open, funny and quirky way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A2li5vM8_0

Dilemma

What to do when you are faced with my dilemma; not changing was destroying me but changing could also destroy me. Being myself could get me killed (metaphorically) yet paradoxically not being myself could kill me too! What's a girl to do?