Emotional Warrior

Transitions can be incredible times for growth and new potential. What is less talked about though is how incredibly painful and brutal they can be. Change can be as lonely and painful as it is inevitable.

I thought I had hit rock bottom aged 27 when my life came crashing down around me when I had a nervous breakdown; a spiritual, emotional and mental fall out which lasted 2 years… 2 years in the desert, the underworld, the abyss. One year of free falling terror then another year to climb out of the wreckage.

However shortly before my 45^th birthday I had a complete physical breakdown which was just as brutal. In my early twenties the warning signs were there to herald my being on the wrong path in the form of a premonition nightmare while in my late thirties I was similarly alerted (this time by my body) with physical burn out which resulted in me developing asthma and adrenal fatigue. However that didn’t in any way prepare me for the flooding (heavy 10 week bleeds) which were coming to floor me and leave me barely able to function.

In my twenties my mind was banging on my door. Now in my forties my body was banging on my door. The body holds the score and has a way of forcing us to confront issues we have swept under the carpet. Somehow the mind does not have the same authority as the body. It is secondary whereas the body is primary and primal. I see the mind as the father and the body as the mother. The body runs deep into our tissues, the issues in our tissues, as my mum used to say!

If you want to stay alive, stay authentic says Dr. Gabor Maté and this is true! One day we have to do the difficult work and get real with ourselves.

As I approach my 47^th birthday I look forward to better days. I look forward to the end of terror. I look forward to warmth and human kindness. This Aries full moon is about reaping the rewards of your hard work and I have worked my ass off to salvage my life this last two years. I have been an emotional warrior. I am climbing out of the pit again. In my experience transitions in my life seem to last 2 years and it was 2 years ago that I began my descent into the underworld once again. These last 2 years I have experienced some of the darkest and most difficult nights of my life. The terror that I experienced in my breakdown came back tenfold but this time I had the container created and a working relationship with my therapist based on trust and built up over 5 years. I had the tools to cope.

However that did not prepare me in any way for the reign of terror that was to come which was relentless, brutal and unforgiving. The night terrors and morning terrors were so brutal it is hard to put into words. The worst thing in all of this was that just when my young teenaged daughter needed me to be extra strong I was at my most physically weak ever in my life which made me emotionally weak aswell. This devastated me and was detrimental for her. In many ways she too paid for my mistakes and it is going to take me a while to forgive myself for this. I had to be ruthless because I had to save myself which ultimately will benefit my kids but seeing her so little during that time and not being able to be there for her in the strong way she needed was terrorising for me.

There are no two ways about it, the last two years have been the worst, darkest and most difficult years of my life and I feel sad that they had to happen while I was raising my kids. But I hope all the changes I have had to make will greatly benefit my children in the long run because in all of this I have been planting good seeds for their future and for my future.

Both transitions were ruled by terror so though I know I cannot completely banish fear from my Queendom, I banish fear of fear! I shine a light on fear!

I have learnt all my lessons the hard way and here is my wisdom garnered as a single-mum;

Look after yourself first and be kind to yourself.
Stay connected to yourself and your children.
Take care of you and yours first and foremost in whatever way that suits both you and your children.
Set boundaries to keep you and your children safe and balanced.
Strengthen your adult self and take responsibility for your emotional pain body (therapy helped me here). It is imperative that you take full emotional responsibility for yourself and your life. This can mean having to let others down.
Have the strength to say no to others and yes to self if you are tired, overwhelmed or just not in the mood.
Do not make a habit of accommodating people at the expense of yourself. It is OK to compromise- we all have to- but within reason otherwise you and your children pay with a seriously stressed out mother and that is not OK.
Do not allow people to block, drain, dominate or disrespect you. Again the children pay which is not fair or OK.
Emotional isolation is not good for your health. Connection is important as long as it does not harm you.
Change can be lonely, painful and very difficult. Go easy on yourself while doing the hard work of change. Know that as you strengthen your adult and inner mother/father you can mind and reassure your inner child. The more the adult is calm and in control the more the inner child can relax. Same goes for your actual children.
Be a healthy role-model for your children by taking care of you, them and your own back yard first. Look after your resources and nurture yourself and your children. Being open is nice but be wise too. The rest follows.
Be yourself! Everyone else is taken! Enjoy your gifts!