Setting boundaries; leaving the hardest thing till last

We’ve had Jordan Petersen’s 12 Steps for Living, here is Brené Brown’s 10 Rules for Success (which I am assuming is the same thing). They are as follows;

1.     Show up

 2.    Cultivate authenticity

3.     Set boundaries

4.     Actively practice gratitude

5.     Embrace vulnerability

6.     Let go of perfection

7.     Explore your emotions

8.     Build shame resilience

9.     Risk failure

10.   Don’t have any regrets

Since I turned 30 I have been on the path. I started by going to a self-development class for a year. Then I did some family constellations which led to Family Systems training focusing on inter-generational trauma which I took over the course of a year. During my thirties I got heavily involved in mental health work; going to workshops, seminars and critical psychiatry conferences mostly in UCC. I gave a keynote on our collective response to emotional distress, a few talks on routes to recovery and a talk on co-dependency. I gave interviews on radio, in newspapers and for television. Many people contacted me privately and I struggled with the demands plus the practical reality of my life as a single mother of two children. I was involved on the DCU service improvement course where we worked on the proposal project to introduce open dialogue to our local mental health unit. And I managed to do all of this without really understanding or implementing boundaries around my sense of self.

You know how we often leave the hardest things till last? Well I did that with boundaries. I cultivated all the other aspects and wondered why my life was so incredibly exhausting. Wasn’t I doing the work? Like Brené Brown says in one of her many excellent talks some of us park everything so we either implode or explode or the body eventually draws attention to the things we do not want to face (because our bodies hold the score). I did not want to set boundaries because it brought up so much excruciating discomfort for me. Also I knew it would open a whole can of worms! Instead I was all things to all people which was exhausting but much easier. At 38 I collapsed and hit burn out. I recovered and got back up. At 40 I started therapy in earnest. I did therapy for 6 years. But it was only at 45 that I started setting boundaries and I cannot emphasise enough how awful and brutal the process was. 

There was a reason I had been avoiding the work. It was, in a word, BRUTAL. I would take a round in a military zone or have ten street fights rather than do this work. It is terrifying and long and arduous. You will piss everyone off, you will have sleepless nights with just terror as your companion, you will feel unspeakably isolated (because this is part of the process) and you will have to let go of being “accommodating” which I had been for most of my adult life in one way or another bar some rebellious periods and a breakdown when I was so distressed I could not function. Coming off pleasing and accommodating people is like detoxing from hard drugs (really I should have been in rehab with this shit). Being authentic and setting boundaries sounds like some easy thing that you go on some fancy spiritual retreat for but it is just sweat, blood, guts, tears and terror. Personally I think it is worse than childbirth.

At 27 I had a breakdown which took me 2 years to recover from. I thought a nervous breakdown was hard but in truth, it was much easier for me than setting boundaries. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. Maybe we leave the hardest stuff (and the most important stuff) till last because we have to be in a stronger position to manage the fall out and to tolerate the discomfort. I cannot overemphasize just how challenging this work is especially for sensitive, accommodating folks or people struggling with codependency issues or trauma. I know there is not a perfect time to do this work (and sometimes it is during a desperate time that you are required to do this work in order to improve or save your life) but it is good if you have done some ground work and have good, strong support in place, like a good therapist for example.

It may look easy but this work is really hard. It is hard getting real and getting into the arena but unless you want to watch your life rather than engage with it you have to do this difficult work. You have to confront some important matters you have been avoiding in order to live well and from your authenticity. It is brutal work but the rewards are great (or so I hear... I am not there yet!) In short I sum the results up as follows;

It took me years to stop taking emotional responsibility for everyone else and to start taking emotional responsibility for myself.

Nuggets of Hard - Earned Wisdom!

Emotional Warrior

Transitions can be incredible times for growth and new potential. What is less talked about though is how incredibly painful and brutal they can be. Change can be as lonely and painful as it is inevitable.

I thought I had hit rock bottom aged 27 when my life came crashing down around me when I had a nervous breakdown; a spiritual, emotional and mental fall out which lasted 2 years… 2 years in the desert, the underworld, the abyss. One year of free falling terror then another year to climb out of the wreckage.

However shortly before my 45^th birthday I had a complete physical breakdown which was just as brutal. In my early twenties the warning signs were there to herald my being on the wrong path in the form of a premonition nightmare while in my late thirties I was similarly alerted (this time by my body) with physical burn out which resulted in me developing asthma and adrenal fatigue. However that didn’t in any way prepare me for the flooding (heavy 10 week bleeds) which were coming to floor me and leave me barely able to function.

In my twenties my mind was banging on my door. Now in my forties my body was banging on my door. The body holds the score and has a way of forcing us to confront issues we have swept under the carpet. Somehow the mind does not have the same authority as the body. It is secondary whereas the body is primary and primal. I see the mind as the father and the body as the mother. The body runs deep into our tissues, the issues in our tissues, as my mum used to say!

If you want to stay alive, stay authentic says Dr. Gabor Maté and this is true! One day we have to do the difficult work and get real with ourselves.

As I approach my 47^th birthday I look forward to better days. I look forward to the end of terror. I look forward to warmth and human kindness. This Aries full moon is about reaping the rewards of your hard work and I have worked my ass off to salvage my life this last two years. I have been an emotional warrior. I am climbing out of the pit again. In my experience transitions in my life seem to last 2 years and it was 2 years ago that I began my descent into the underworld once again. These last 2 years I have experienced some of the darkest and most difficult nights of my life. The terror that I experienced in my breakdown came back tenfold but this time I had the container created and a working relationship with my therapist based on trust and built up over 5 years. I had the tools to cope.

However that did not prepare me in any way for the reign of terror that was to come which was relentless, brutal and unforgiving. The night terrors and morning terrors were so brutal it is hard to put into words. The worst thing in all of this was that just when my young teenaged daughter needed me to be extra strong I was at my most physically weak ever in my life which made me emotionally weak aswell. This devastated me and was detrimental for her. In many ways she too paid for my mistakes and it is going to take me a while to forgive myself for this. I had to be ruthless because I had to save myself which ultimately will benefit my kids but seeing her so little during that time and not being able to be there for her in the strong way she needed was terrorising for me.

There are no two ways about it, the last two years have been the worst, darkest and most difficult years of my life and I feel sad that they had to happen while I was raising my kids. But I hope all the changes I have had to make will greatly benefit my children in the long run because in all of this I have been planting good seeds for their future and for my future.

Both transitions were ruled by terror so though I know I cannot completely banish fear from my Queendom, I banish fear of fear! I shine a light on fear!

I have learnt all my lessons the hard way and here is my wisdom garnered as a single-mum;

Look after yourself first and be kind to yourself.
Stay connected to yourself and your children.
Take care of you and yours first and foremost in whatever way that suits both you and your children.
Set boundaries to keep you and your children safe and balanced.
Strengthen your adult self and take responsibility for your emotional pain body (therapy helped me here). It is imperative that you take full emotional responsibility for yourself and your life. This can mean having to let others down.
Have the strength to say no to others and yes to self if you are tired, overwhelmed or just not in the mood.
Do not make a habit of accommodating people at the expense of yourself. It is OK to compromise- we all have to- but within reason otherwise you and your children pay with a seriously stressed out mother and that is not OK.
Do not allow people to block, drain, dominate or disrespect you. Again the children pay which is not fair or OK.
Emotional isolation is not good for your health. Connection is important as long as it does not harm you.
Change can be lonely, painful and very difficult. Go easy on yourself while doing the hard work of change. Know that as you strengthen your adult and inner mother/father you can mind and reassure your inner child. The more the adult is calm and in control the more the inner child can relax. Same goes for your actual children.
Be a healthy role-model for your children by taking care of you, them and your own back yard first. Look after your resources and nurture yourself and your children. Being open is nice but be wise too. The rest follows.
Be yourself! Everyone else is taken! Enjoy your gifts!