SELF-LOVE IN THE TIME OF COVID-19

I have been self-isolating for 3 years. I self-isolated for health reasons; a brutal perimenopause which had led to extreme flooding, chronic anemia and fatigue. I also self-isolated for transformational purposes. The two ran in tandem. I was making big changes in my life. I cut myself off from people for the most part and remained house-bound with a back-drop of psychological terror due to the process I was undertaking.

Ironically I was coming out of this process in Spring 2020 just as Covid-19 happened. I was just starting to enjoy feeling stronger and was looking forward to a bit more life in my life. Needless to say it has been very weird and surreal to watch as the world goes into collective self-isolation just as I was stepping out of it. Of course I am back practicing self-isolation now. I have retreated back into that by now familiar state.

This state will perhaps be nothing new for introverts who often choose to self-isolate as a way of life, practicing Buddhist monks, people with illnesses or chronic fatigue and those who are already isolated due to other challenging circumstances; in many ways for people on the fringes whose voices may not usually be heard as much in our society as the more popular extroverted “business as usual” mainstream, those with a more external focus.  

What we are in now is an involuntary collective global retreat and I watch as the issues I faced in my period of isolation play out around me on social media, in the news and it is a very strange sensation to say the least; to emerge from my experience into a global pandemic. COVID-19 is bringing things into sharper focus, getting rid of the superfluous and narrowing things down to what’s really important; our families, our loved ones whether across the globe or down the road, our relationship with ourselves, connection to self and others. Perhaps some people are re-assessing their lives due to the virus crisis. A lot is coming up for humanity so go easy on yourselves as we enter this phase and as it all comes up to the fore. We are going through this collectively; together in our apart-ness.

As a hardened and experienced self-isolationalist – is that even a word? – I can tell you this, especially if you are an extrovert or person who likes to keep busy: psychologically it may get worse before it gets better. You may have to go through a mental and physical detox. You may find yourself chomping at the bit without all of life’s distractions. You may experience "cabin fever" - or in my case "mountain fever". You may be coming up against your pain body triggered by the situation.

To add to this humans invariably struggle with limits. First you may try to deny it then you may bargain with it. You may get frustrated, angry and even terrorised as you come up against yourself, your life and the abyss. You may even rebel. Everything is amplified. In these uncertain days our usual routines have been disrupted and we are also up against fear and panic. Plus we are worried about our loved ones. These are challenging days. Perhaps I can pass on my self-isolation toolkit for these worrying times.

Half way through my self-isolation I wrote a piece called The Dark Woods Survival Kit. Perhaps now might be the time to revisit that piece.

The mornings are the worst because I wake up in a new reality, just like I woke up after my breakdown all those years before, and I don’t recognise anything. I am terrorised. Everything is different and for a split second in the moments between sleep and waking I sometimes forget but mostly I am awoken with the grip of terror around my throat, be it in the small hours of the morning or with the dawn.

Psychological terror is my constant companion. At night I sweat and wriggle with terror. In the day I strive to keep it at bay. My old familiar reality and coping mechanisms have been stripped away and all I have is terror. I am not yet used to this new reality. I had wanted to get into the arena of life but many days I had second thoughts and just wanted relief. I just wanted to go back to my old, cosy, familiar patterns even though they were killing me. I am not ashamed to admit my cowardice. My dilemma was to pick a poison; this one will kill you and this one could also kill you. Not changing was destroying me but changing could destroy me too. At least that was how it felt.

There may be a person, a catalyst or an event that propels you into the Dark Woods. For me it was my body bleeding, up to fifteen weeks of flooding. (Note: for the world right now it is a global pandemic).

When I closed my gate and started my co-dependency detox I was unprepared for the depth of despair I would experience. Perhaps subconsciously this was why I had been avoiding doing this part of the journey. When I stepped out of my assigned roles and set my boundaries I experienced a loss and terror so profound that it kept me awake night after night. Every morning was a new nightmare as I detoxed from my illusions and bled.

Change is painful. Change is hard. Change is lonely. Change is the one true constant and true change is challenging. Changing old patterns requires monumental courage.

This is when I discovered I was in between worlds in a kind of no-man’s land, where I could not go back and I could not go forward. I was stuck. This is what I came to know as the Dark Woods.

The Dark Woods are lonely and terrifying. They are a metaphor for psychological terror. They are your and my own personal, private hell, the no-go zone. The Dark Woods are somewhere to pass through, a transition. Transitions can be incredible times for growth and new potential. What is less talked about though is how incredibly painful and brutal they can be. Once you find yourself in the Dark Woods your goal is to survive the experience and find your way out the other side using the tools you have and the skills you have honed. You have to pass through the Dark Woods but it is not wise to let the Dark Woods devour or deceive you.

Here are some things that can help in the Dark Woods (please bear in mind this list was written with codependency detox in mind but self-isolation during a global pandemic has similar hallmarks)

Some light entertainment; believe me you are going to spend a lot of time alone while you make the changes so you are going to need Netflix, YouTube and books, lots of them. You may be too distressed and deranged to read but watch self-help lectures to reinforce your decision to improve/ save your life. You will need encouragement because everything and everyone else will be pulling you backwards not forwards. In these Global Pandemic days we all have each other to turn to albeit virtually and that can be of great comfort and the great enemy is fear which we face together.

Courage & Strength; I cannot overestimate how much of this you will need. You need so much of this because the going will be tough, painful, lonely and quite frankly awful. There will be many days when you want to quit and/or return to the comfort of familiar even if it is harmful to your health.

A roof over your head; your home will become your sanctuary, your safe space so surround yourself with all the things you like and more beautiful stuff. Paint your walls a new bold colour to herald the changes in. Declutter your house as you detox. Throw old patterns out along with old junk that has been hanging around your attic. Start writing that book you always wanted to write or embark on a gardening project or something that brings you joy.

Supports; Nowadays even during a pandemic thanks to technology we can access therapists, yoga classes as well as friends and other online supports. Extra supports could be healthy diet, (in these days make sure to boost your immune systems with lots of vitamins C and D) exercise, good sleep, your favourite kind of tea and entertainment to stop you going stark raving mad. You will need breaks from the intensity of the experience when you are putting the long, hard hours in. You will be engaging in psychological warfare with your head. Above all BE KIND to yourself during this time. Ultimately the experience will be more strengthening than devastating for us all - one hopes and prays - and we will inevitably be changed as we are by any big experience.

Me in my woman-cave in danger of turning into the duuude!

Here is a really heartening local article full of good advice: https://westcorkpeople.ie/columnists/returning-home-to-ourselves/?fbclid=IwAR0CpkBWWYxlcZuZGkPp-CxhWymZ5fmwQ0AlHmDUaKb2ussxV474tkOuhv4

There is a wealth of good resources online which I shall update here as I come across them.
https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/una-mullally-corona-correction-cannot-be-unseen-or-unfelt-1.4209234?fbclid=IwAR2ZXfUziqJj8XedhjmyQ-YuyeNRh0inGtosrAKkE4gYLaZ9IzsRYcpNPy4

https://www.imaginalfutures.com/islands/and-the-people-stayed?fbclid=IwAR2_G3ziEB-ejNMI9N7rgRboMrQX-n01jE17RV-qxdgWA9c4IKs2B0twVSA

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/25/why-its-healthy-to-be-afraid-in-a-crisis?fbclid=IwAR1y-SWgJpQc597qYRluV6wZeJ1i_3Y7fAZbRfLklyEkh-b1sXn7D246u8Q