The Upper Hand & the Lower Position; observations on human behaviour.

Perhaps there are four categories of people; people who like to take the upper hand, people who like to take the lower position, people who like neither and prefer equality and last but not least people who are bewildered and confused by humans in general. 

The people I have been most bewildered by is people who like to take the upper hand, who see nothing wrong in brazenly dominating others. We all know these people. They never ask, they just tell you what is happening. In other words, they are often bossy, entitled, opinionated, demanding, controlling, overbearing and intolerant. They pride themselves on taking responsibility for themselves - and usually everyone else around them, whether consensual or not.

I am less bewildered by the people who take the lower position as I have found myself trapped in this role at some stages in my life. It is a deeply unpleasant and thankless place to be. People in this position are often compelled by the impulse to please and placate. They are often codependent, passive, enmeshed, overly empathic, enabling people pleasers. In my naivety I thought that being pleasant and respectful was something I could be with everyone. However, 47 years (and much pain) later I have come to realise that not only is this dangerous but it is also not possible because some people simply do not speak the language of equality nor do they want to negotiate or navigate let alone contemplate this challenge. Many choose to stay in the dominant position and just as many choose to stay in the submissive position.

On observation of these positions I think both are ruled by fear. I believe that people who need to take the upper hand are, ironically, the most fearful of all. Anyone who needs that much control is a deeply fragile and insecure person deep down. The upper hand is weak and certainly not autonomous as it needs somebody to be in the lower position. The person in the lower position is less insecure but almost certainly co-dependent. Being co-dependent they fear asserting themselves. They have developed a pattern of focusing on others at the expense of themselves. More than likely they have been raised by a dominating person and an accommodating person. They lack the ability to set the boundaries that create a core sense of self.

Both are extreme and out of balance. Both can be manipulative in aggressive and overt ways or passive and covert ways. They can resort to primitive coping mechanisms and act on impulse without reflection. Some can even lack conscience. One assumes too little emotional responsibility, the other assumes too much. A healthy and whole person can navigate and negotiate opposites. They are more integrated and do not see the things in black or white. Sometimes our nature leans us one way or the other - dominating or accommodating - but in a healthy person we do not seek to harm ourselves or others, we do not need to cross lines and we know where one begins and the other ends.

In many ways I feel like I just got out of psychological prison. I feel like I am going home to my core self. In my life I have given away my power. I have almost always allowed others to assume the upper hand with me. I have been too accommodating at the expense of myself. Much of this came from a good but misguided place and also a fearful place. I could see that difficult, demanding and insecure people were in more pain than me and I wanted to help them. But it does not work by accommodating them. The best way to help others is to check into your true self and set boundaries in accordance with your values and needs as an individual. I was operating from a fearful place and had to destroy the out-of-date patterns that were holding me back. This in itself was terrifying terrain but that’s another story.

And this brings me to the third category of people. What does a person who is not interested in the upper hand or the lower position look like?

Firstly, they are not perfect. They are flawed but they basically like themselves. They have accepted themselves. They are good enough, secure enough and they don’t need to dominate others or be dominated by others to feel somewhat good about themselves. They do not need to lord it over others or grovel either. They do not seek to harm themselves or others. They enjoy equality and they welcome the challenges of negotiating this terrain. They like their own company, they do not have a hidden agenda and they find healthy outlets for their issues or anything that triggers them. They take responsibility for their issues. They are not afraid to look in the mirror. They have the courage to be themselves and this frees others up to be themselves too. They do not take their issues out on themselves or others. 

They are somewhat grounded, aware and balanced. They are not afraid to assert themselves or set boundaries when needed. They are not comfortable taking the upper hand but do not want to take the lower position either. They are curious and optimistic but realistic. They are accountable, reliable, flexible, integrated, have integrity, emotionally resilient and relatively straightforward. They are not running from themselves or the truth of who they are. They are not hateful or afraid. They let love rule in it’s truest form. They truly live and let live. They lift others up. They are not petty. They do the right thing even if it is the most difficult thing to do and take the road less travelled.

Affirmations I have found to be useful when dealing with people who try to assume the upper hand with me;

I have rights and can take my place as an autonomous adult with my own wants, fears, likes, dislikes etc.

I am only emotionally responsible for myself.

I do not need to accommodate others at my (or their) expense.

I do not have to take the lower position when others assume the upper hand with me.

I can protect myself from people who need to do this with me.

I cannot be manipulated with pity, rage or charm. 

I can walk away.

Then, last but not least, there is the fourth category of people, the most misunderstood of all the categories. These people live “outside the box”. They do not “play the game”. Often thinkers, dreamers, idealists, observers and visionaries they have little interest in gossip and drama. They are genuinely bewildered by such pursuits and by human behaviour in general. These people love ideas. They love to push the envelope. In many ways they stand outside society and recreate it by imagining new worlds. They can channel the collective unconscious. They are usually self-sufficient and work best independently.

These people are often misunderstood and often the target of teasing in their young lives because they are so different. They are dismissed as daydreamers and space cadets. They are viewed as slow even though they are unusually intelligent in a creative way. They are also sensitive and intuitive. They are often artistic and enjoy philosophising. Ironically they can be preoccupied with the human condition and the issues of love, death, meaning, mortality and ethics.

They are often artists, poets, writers, musicians and inventors. They can be spiritual; shamans, empaths, healers and leaders. They are often ahead of their time, out of step with their era but creating revolutions and evolution. They are outsiders but not anti-social. They want the best for society. They may lack etiquette and protocol or misread human behaviour. They have little interest in this side of life though they may try to fit in from the outside. They do not see the hidden agendas of people because they are uninterested in hidden agendas. In many ways this can be their downfall. They are interested in beauty, the human condition and often peace. 

These people often “mask” who they are to cope in a world that mostly rejects and ridicules them. If they are lucky enough to be accepted for who they can achieve great things and many do regardless. They usually encounter great adversity in their lives and traditionally are only appreciated or even acknowledged long after they die. I am not sure why this is the case but perhaps people feel threatened by this energy up close. Much is being done nowadays to appreciate these people while they are alive because although they are self-sufficient everybody has the right to be accepted, seen and taken seriously for who they really are.