Wisdom from Crone country;
notes from a subterranean blood chamber (extracts from my journaling and more)

25/06/21

Last night I felt so scared and vulnerable. Having a big cry helped. Perhaps I was finally able to cry and release trapped emotions because I took away a lot of my food “comforters” not to mention the sheer fear and terror at what my body is doing and the endless blood and clots – 44 pads in 4 days not to mention the 4 weeks of intermittent bleeding and spotting prior to that!

I cried for myself; for everything I have been through, for everything I have survived, for the unfair amounts I have absorbed and carried. Tears and blood flow out of me.

Today I put it all back down. I am officially retiring from caring for others emotionally. Today it is about me and my self-preservation. I take care of me. I do whatever it is that brings me joy. No guilt. I claim my life and my power. I don’t bend to what anyone else wants of me. I don't leave myself. I put myself first. I choose what I want and I can change my mind if I like. I cannot be manipulated by men or women.

I don’t run for anyone apart from my kids of course and even that is within reason now. I delegate more with them finally and without guilt because it is good and strengthening for them. They are old enough now. This is how it is. I rest and repair and release and I simplify my life. I forgive everyone to set myself free. They were all hard won lessons learnt.

Rest – restore – release – reclaim – relax. Undo the damage. Ideas for lyrics.

Take back my blood
Take back my love
Undo the damage of the flood

I attend a beautiful full moon sister circle on Zoom under a strawberry supermoon in Capricorn 

which is nourishing and calm and healing. I meet the midsummer goddess Aine in a cavern in a guided meditation. 

I fully claim my power. I am She and She is me. I have dreams I want to manifest and live, one of which is going to Italy's Amalfi coast (me and my Mum really want to go as The Positano Diaries bring us great comfort!!)  I feet the support of the divine feminine and I feel connected to other women. I remember how she has grown in power in me since years before when I dreamt of a smaller cave and she was just a little flower then.

Other nuggets of wisdom I garner from analysing a vivid dream during the following night was the line “I am real in a world of unreality.” Perhaps the unreality is the bullshit my brain sometimes tells me! Or other people's bullshit... or just bullshit in general.

And a golden one came to me like lightning;
“This whole idea of breaking someone down to make them stronger is utter bullshit. In fact it is re-traumatising.”

Don’t let anyone put one of these bullshit trips on you. Only you know what is right for you. Sometimes being so wasted and strung out brings great clarity. Don't let anyone hijack you and take you hostage with their bullshit or tell you what's right for you. Only you know that. Don't let anyone over-adrenalise you with their fear. 

I watched a documentary called Heal recommended by my Mum (we stay in contact via WhatsApp) the other night which in it tells the story of the crysalis struggling. Someone hates to see it struggling and cuts the crysalis open whereupon the butterfly dies because it has come out too soon. Sometimes the struggle is necessary and we all grow at our own pace. Observe don't absorb and beware of people wanting to “rescue” you. Only you can do that and in your own time.

My old anger towards relationships resurfaces and I contemplate it. I am really fond of men and I love male company as much as I love female company. They are both different and are both necessary. But interpersonal relationships are another ball game. I now know the red flags. Early ones with both men or women are sexual/ emotional or psychological pressure - or, god forbid, all three. I will not tolerate these anymore. I’m done with this. I suit myself. If you don’t like it so be it. I have accepted that I am an unconventional woman not suited to marriage. I am not afraid of people leaving. I am afraid of them staying and doing my head in and/or taking over my life.

I can’t be bothered suffering for anyone – man or woman - anymore or feeling uncomfortable for anothers' comfort or pleasure. I cannot squeeze myself into someone else's idea of me and I most certainly will not be anyone's skivvy. Nor will I be exploited and/or disrespected about my work. None of this is worth it for me anymore. I have my own life to live. Nothing and no one is worth me changing who I am fundamentally. It’s a pity I had to go to the wall to realise this basic self-care stuff. Observe not absorb. Conserve my energy. As the saying goes don't allow others opinions of you to become your reality.

I have to replace my blender. I buy a Magic Bullet to make green smoothies. 

In between all this bleeding I am trying to change my diet

 – which is probably the wrong time as it only adds to my stress levels! And stress makes me bleed more. Staying still and relaxing sometimes help stem the flow for a time. My daughter brings me wonderful healthy restorative dinners of roasted squash or sweet potato, broccoli, courgettes, kale, lettuce leaves and brown rice.

Our cat Smudge lives on the sofa with me and comforts me. Occasionally Jackie and Mojo too (when they are not fighting).

26/06/21

Today I freaked out. I kept it together so long and today I cracked. I didn’t want the kids to see how afraid I was but I cracked. And they have been so good and supportive and taking over kitchen duties; washing up and cooking. I have set up camp on the sofa. They also regularly check in with me, bring me water and herbal teas like two angels. 

54 pads in 5 days. I feel so shook. Occasionally, hard as it is and as shook as I am, I document the blood chamber paraphernalia with my phone camera; endless pads, clots, splatters, drops, bleeds. I cannot believe how much blood there is. I am estrogen dominant. My progesterone must be diminishing. Progesterone acts like a boundary with estrogen but clearly my estrogen has taken hold and seized control and is causing havoc. I have a kidney yang deficiency in TCM, too much dampness in my body, which is probably also contributing to my state. But the real culprit is stress and too much adrenaline and cortisol flowing through my body for too many years; being too strong for too long. Last year the doctor told me I probably have an ulcer too.

I call SouthDoc and got the drugs. What a relief. Thank god for modern medicine! They are heavy meds with some side effects, the best one of which is stopping the bleeds! Modern medicine is so good in a crisis and this was a crisis. I marvel at how when I was young I took drugs only to end up in hell and now I take drugs to get out of hell. Somehow the second half of life mirrors back the opposite of the first half, like an upside down version turned on it’s head! I call this the “Opposite Theory”. It’s like a surreal reflection.

My bleeding has got worse after two alternative treatments and I can’t afford it energetically. I cannot play Russian Roulette with my life. No more “fight or flight”… just “rest and repair” and stem the bleeding and get it under control so I can build it back up, re-build myself. I do not want to bleed out and realise I have been irresponsible not to get the drugs sooner. I should have listened to the sensible men and women. More lessons to set my limit and assert myself when needed. 

I am all for alternative treatments but in times like these modern medicine is required too. I understand that things sometimes have to get worse before they get better but not when one's life could be in danger. Once I am out of danger I shall return to the alternative treatments as long as they are not too extreme and destabilising. I am waiting for a course of TCM herbs which I am looking forward to taking - I have been looking forward to taking TCM herbs for 4 years but first I couldn't track down a practicioner then lockdown happened. And I love my herb teas.

More heavy bleeds at night. They are like attacks following a pattern. The blood gushes out after yet another large clot passes. I have lost half a stone. My ears are ringing. I am so weak I can barely walk, hobbling to my en suite to change yet another soaked through pad. I feel pale and hot then later cold and in need of my hot water bottle. My son has taken on hot water bottle filling for me. Yes - a hot water bottle in June!!

I shut my eyes and get a vision of Skeleton Woman. I quickly open my eyes willing her away. I am down in the depths of the bleeding, deep in Crone country, and I was afraid but afterwards on reflection realized that she represented renewal.

At 1am I cave and call a close confidante and leave a message saying that I am very scared and I need someone to tell that me I'm not dying. I am afraid I am going to bleed out and die. I feel a bit better for sharing but later I feel bad for offloading my terror. I find it very hard to ask for help. This is partly because I don't like to offload on another and partly because I am afraid of being dependent on another or engulfed. I need to work on this issue big time. If I don't it will be the un-doing of me. I make a note to self “work on being OK with asking for help. Stop being such a hard ass.” People need people, we all need each other. Besides we are all interconnected. 

Aforementioned confidante thanks me later for trusting them with my turmoil.

I can’t sleep so I turn on my salt lamp and in the orange glow listening to calming music on YouTube clutching my hot water bottle. I make a deal with the Lord that if He lets me live I will spread the love and the word. I finally get to sleep around 3am – a light fearful sleep.

In the morning I photograph the tree outside my window in the early morning golden light; the life-sustaining tree of life. 

I feel my familiar self semi-returning as the drugs kick in and I am on my way out of the subterranean bloody chamber dimension, thanks be to God! I have a dry mouth but I would choose a dry mouth over bleeding out any day. I sit in a sunny spot on my sofa looking at a beautiful blue sky and the trees thinking about how much I love life, how much I cherish it and how I have so much more to life to live. But this time round I will choose love not fear.

I come away with this nugget which I share on Facebook;

People say it is good to be an empath but is it really? I have ended up with a whole heap of health issues; sciatica, anemia, an ulcer, various deficiencies and horrendous flooding on and off for 4 years now which has been very scary. I've had too many stressful "Fight or flight" experiences and not enough "rest and repair" ones. Here's to observing but not absorbing for the next stage of life! 

27/06/21

My sister visits with maternity pads, dark apricots and dark chocolate cake! All full of iron to build my blood back up. As we laugh and chat I realise how good it is to be back in life and part of life. Most of all, I realise to be loved and to feel loved is to be blessed.

A while ago my other sister had sent me a podcast on poets and the episode she had sent me is two women writers talking about hysterectomy regret. During my heavy bleeds when I was confined to the sofa I had listened to the 2-hour conversation. It confirmed to me that more research needs to be done on this stage of a woman's life and that hysterectomy (unless in extreme and necessary cases) and the pill should not be the only solutions offered to women. 

There must be more avenues to research and implement. As I listened to the woman speak about how no-one had explained to her prior to her hysterectomy that (1) she could plunge into a deep depression but also (2) that her vagina would collapse a bit as the uterus is a huge muscle holding all the sex organs together and that this would effect her orgasms. 

This is simply not good enough and it hard not to get angry about such things. You can listen to this important conversation here; https://www.commonpodcast.com/home/2021/5/26/episode-94-jennifer-block 

This same sister juices me a beetroot and ginger iron tonic. Where would we be without sisters and sister love? 

I went into the bleeding age 45 and I have learnt so much. Sometimes I get angry and resentful of all I had to go through but it's best to try and transform this because bitterness can eat away at you. Now, I am wondering why I am going back in again aged 49... or is it just a reminder, the portal to a life of less bullshit?

The drugs take hold and I get dry up - not just the bleeds! I get a dry mouth, a headache and bloat. But I'll take these any day over bleeding out. I will have to pay down the road but the bleeding has stopped. More strange is the mania I am now experiencing. Is it a side effect of the drugs? My personal reaction to the drugs? Or just a reaction to being terrorised for a week? Either way I'm not bleeding, I am just bonkers instead. 

Note: I later on find out from my acupuncturist that the mania is false energy common to women in my state of deficiency a.k.a "floating yang" - an unearthed, manic and false energy that ultimately depletes you. She advises and invites me to give myself permission to enter "a period of convalescence" for 6 months full of stillness and silence, peace and calm and to be gentle on myself which I gratefully accept.

 

Quote by moi

I coined a new saying! I'm pleased with this one

ALL THE THINGS LOVE ISN'T

I have driven men to drink, the madhouse and confession…well I fast-tracked where they were already heading. I have ignited atrocious behaviour in men.

I attract it and I have been called it; “trouble”. I have engaged in folie-a-deux more times than I care to remember. Call it what you will; romantic, turbulent, passionate, exciting. I call it exhausting.

I have opened myself up to men and been consumed, devoured and left a dry husk. I have opened myself up to men and abandoned myself in the process, lost my sense of self and ended up being and doing what they wanted. I have been accommodating and tolerant as much as I have been difficult and intolerant.

I have had to fight my corner always. I have been told who I am, what I think and how I feel by well-meaning men (and bossy women – what’s their excuse?) I have been insulted more times than I can even count. I take it in my stride but I have never taken it lying down with men. This is because I feel safe enough with lovers to “have it out”. Intimacy provides that privilege.

Whenever I feel like being mean about men, I think of my son and how much I adore him and that stops me in my tracks. I also think about my father, step-father, brothers, uncles, friends. Besides all the great things men have done and can do. All the great things women have done and can do. All the great things people have done and can do. Then all the awful things men have done and can do. All the awful things women have done and can do. All the awful things people have done and can do.

I have cajoled, competed, undermined, ridiculed, projected, obsessed, goaded and busted balls with the best of them. I have been controlling and interfering. I have crossed boundaries. I have been remarkably annoying pointing out their flaws, deconstructing – even annihilating - their egos until they explode. I have pulled apart their past emptying their baggage all over the road and rummaging through it with disgust (which now makes me cringe). I would hammer square plugs into round holes forcing them to fit when they obviously didn’t. I would re-write history to suit my narrative. I would analyse men to death and then get bored with them and try to fob them off onto someone else as I ran out a back door. 

I was arrogant beyond belief. I would always start from the premise of Oh Yeah? I was naturally ready for combat. Plus I would work too hard which would prevent any natural flow.

I have also had, when I let go, moments of being tender, open, funny, kind, easy-going, generous, caring, warm, understanding, appreciative, admiring and passionate. In turn men have been kind, open, generous, loving, inspiring, creative, adoring and passionate with me.

I have listened to a load of crap and talked even more!

In my supreme arrogance I thought I was doing some men a favour. I existed as the converter between the damned and the delightful. I was like a liver getting toxins out of a body by simultaneously accepting, confronting and transmuting atrocious behaviours. I fancied myself as an asshole-reformer! I imagined I was the fierce Kali-esque girlfriend crossed with the unconditionally loving Quan Yin. I would make sure I would not be forgotten, by any means. All this screams EGO. I would turn avoidant cowboys into needy girls – question, are they the same thing?

I would date the un-dateable (and then pay for it). I would get in the pit with men and fight it out – a conveyor belt of mentally ill, emotionally avoidant, emotionally insecure, needy, obnoxious, arrogant, angry, egoic, antagonistic, antisocial, demanding, difficult, moody, volatile albeit talented, often alcoholic, sex addicted lovers that I would kick into shape for the next woman because how can you love what you’ve trained? How can you love someone you want to change? That ain’t love, that’s pity.

But in all this madness and chaos was I exposing parts of myself and my own insecurities by trying to love unlovable aspects in these men? Were these men in fact doing me a massive favour by being abusive? They were honest about it and they forced me to set my boundary. I would go in knowing (and thinking I’ll change him – that old chestnut). Invariably these relationships would always turn toxic – possibly even begin as toxic too – and this would force me to look at my behaviour and what I wanted and what I did not want.

This took years and years.

I always liked a challenge so I tried to love men who hated themselves – men who covered up their self-hatred with all kinds of devious tricks (none of which got past me). I often reflected it back to them in my behaviours instead of calling it out. I would also risk life and limb and call it out often with explosive reactions (from both parties). It never occurred to me that I could leave and date someone who liked himself. Was this because I was still struggling with liking/ loving/ accepting my own self?

I tried to love men who hated themselves so much they had to spend every waking minute with me and totally disregarded my needs/ wants/ desires. I had to teach them about what I needed. I always needed space. I always had to fight for my space, my domain, my sense of self. I tried to love men who suffocated me and then told me I was the one with the problem. When was the penny going to drop in my head? When would I spot the recurring theme? Join the dots? And what was I doing that made them hunt me down so much?

I could have hired myself out as a rehabilitation centre. I did sterling work. I have done so much mostly unseen emotional labour. One day I realised I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to love men who hate themselves. I want to go through another door. So I did.

They say when you evolve the universe will send you even harder tests. In my case, more men. I always meet a man when I’ve had a revelation, when I’ve made some kind of breakthrough, when I feel complete within myself; the first time that feeling happened I was 32 and I felt such a sense of relief. Shortly afterwards the universe sent me a man with a serious mental disorder.  

When I have said “Enough! I want to be single for 5 years!” this is inevitably when I will meet a man. And they fuck it all up for me every time; they mess up and complicate my new-found singledom bliss bubble and pull me into some hate-zone, trauma-pit, hell-scape otherwise known as a tumultuous relationship.

But the universe always has a plan. In my case the universe has been trying to show me all the things love isn’t in practical reality and force me to say NO NOT THIS. How do I put my wants, needs, desires at the centre of my life instead of his? I know it all in theory but how does one test the theory? That’s right. By living it and being confronted with it on a daily basis in real time. See here

By the time I realised what true love is – acceptance and love of self, first and foremost – I had burnt myself out both fighting and rescuing various men in the name of care. Care so often masks control issues. Clearly I had some deep-seated control issues until I hit the wall and had to change. Control is not love. Control is fear. Ever stop to ask why does one always fight the one they rescue? When was I going to wake up? Fighting and rescuing is not love, it is torture. I had been called too often into this role. I had chosen it until I no longer could. And fighting and being rescued is just as bad. I never asked to be rescued and do not enjoy that I was so lost until you came along and rescued me game. That is ego. I have “rescued” enough people to truly know that people, including me, do not want to be rescued. It is an affront to human dignity and as well as disempowering people many cause harm with their help.

Love meets you where you are. Love recognises that you are separate people who come together to share, hopefully harmoniously. Love accepts and loves you just as you are including all your mistakes and flaws. Love does not try to change you. Love is not perfect and does not expect you to be perfect. Love does not control, abuse or insult you. It does not make snide or sarcastic remarks. That is hate. Love lets things unfold at their own pace because love is in no hurry. There is no panic with love. Love can also let go, despite the pain of loss, for the greater good of another. This is a very noble form of sacrifice. Love can give you space because it is not threatened by anything Other than it. Ego – and possibly trauma - is what gets threatened, not love. Love is not higher than or lower than, it just is.

All those other things can be inspired by passion or lust or sex or obsession or hate or desire or anger or trauma but they ain’t love. Love is deeper than that and much simpler. Love is accepting yourself and, dare I say it, liking yourself just as you are. You don’t need to escape yourself if you like yourself. No need to try so hard with love.

It is good to have viewed the thing from all angles and discover all the things love isn’t. Only that way can you discover all the things love actually is.

NOTE: This blog post is about some people in my past and no person in my life now. I have not mentioned any names to protect the privacy of those involved. 

LOCKDOWN LESSONS: Health Matters

During lockdown lots of things came up for people. For me, it was physical health issues. I cannot look at physical health without looking at all the other aspects of health alongside it though. I would put these in 5 categories and I believe we need them all in balance to be fully healthy. I also believe that the body and soul holds the score. I am focusing on physical health in this blog post but I shall say a little about the others to in relation to my journey of self-development. These 5 categories are physical health, psychological/ emotional/ mental health, sexual health, spiritual health and environmental health.

PHYSICAL HEALTH: Physical health is something I have largely ignored over the years apart from sporadic forays into some kind of physical activity like walking or swimming. I was never very sporty shunning it for the library in school. In many ways I was a walking dustbin shovelling anything and everything into my body regardless. I have never been a fussy eater and would eat anything. My diet was pretty unadventurous though I love food. But through tiredness, a busy life and/or financial difficulties food fast became fuel rather than enjoyment and my diet deteriorated as the years rolled by. I was raised on a healthy diet growing up on a farm with all our own home grown produce from vegetables and fruits to eggs, meats, milk and yoghurt. I always had a healthy appetite apart from under-eating in my mid-teens. I under ate in my twenties (and if I did it was usually tuna pasta, cheese toasties or kebabs) and I also drank a lot, mostly beers and spirits and I smoked. I hardly ever drank water. I danced, I walked everywhere and I was physically very fit. I was blessed with a strong constitution which alas I promptly abused and took for granted.

I over ate in my thirties and forties. During my thirties I kept a relatively good diet with fruit, vegetables, brown rice etc because I was feeding my kids too but by my forties I ate way too much meat, bread, biscuits, chocolate, cake, pizza, pasta, unhealthy carbs and convenience processed foods including frozen foods and not enough fresh vegetables and fruit by far. I never limited myself and would eat huge portions and have seconds. Basically I was comfort/ stress eating on auto-pilot. I would randomly take supplements but struggled with consistency. In my early to mid-thirties I walked a lot but in my late-thirties after developing asthma and chronic burn out I did the bare minimum. I got very bored with the food I was cooking not exploring herbs and spices as much as I wished to. 

In my thirties I drank fresh coffee every day and wine most weekends, both of which are dehydrating. I drank endless cups of tea – also dehydrating – and the odd cup of herbal tea. Luckily I put honey in my teas rather than sugar (which I always had in coffee). I rarely drank water and opted for fizzy water but I hardly ever rehydrated. My whole diet and lifestyle was hard on my liver even after I quit drinking because it was high in salt and sugar. I felt sluggish and I often dipped into my adrenaline to get going living off stress and nervous energy. I would swing between over-functioning and under-functioning.

By 45 I was in a pit. I had asthma, chronic fatigue, excessive flooding, the first signs of obesity and by 47 I had chronic anemia and vitamin D deficiency, sore knees, chronic hip pain on top of all the other problems. Clearly things were getting worse. Between the ages of 38 and 48 I gained 3 stone in weight. Enough was enough. I booked myself into a course of osteopathy and the healing began. In the following months I slowly started making small changes and then during lockdown I started a daily walk up the mountain. I aimed to eat less and move more. Since then I have cut out highly processed foods, bad sugars, unhealthy carbs and wheat. I have cut out bread and gluten. I have reduced my meat consumption greatly, I eat more fish. I eat loads of salads and vegetables, both cooked and raw. I eat smaller portions. I eat for my blood type to maximise my particular body’s potential, more on that here https://dadamo.com/txt/index.pl?1006&fbclid=IwAR2qDKPwIDAZSqAB1347emlZhJ0uulAsNc2_wI04kIRcwD2KlgjxClBpr_E

I am doing a 30-day liver cleanse by drinking 16 ounces of celery juice first thing. I take milk thistle, magnesium, zinc, spirulina, flaxseed, ginger, nettle tea and many other herb teas, tinctures and supplements as and when required. I power walk 2km every morning up a steep mountain road and sometimes another 2km in the evening – same thing. And finally I drink 2 litres of lemon water a day. I never drink alcohol or coffee anymore because it has such a bad effect on me. I drink many herb leaf teas and herbal teas. I rarely drink black tea anymore.

Physical health is wealth. I had underestimated it before because my focus was more on emotional health (which effects physical health too) but diet and lifestyle are also very important. You can do all the therapy in the world but if you eat a crap diet and are a couch potato you will eventually feel like crap because of that. Besides if therapy is working you will want to move away from stuffing down emotions with food or drink which is in essence a form of denial that ironically takes the form of over-indulgence and a kind of listless lethargy. It is very important to relax but also to move. We need a balance of both. Food is one of life's great pleasures and to be enjoyed sensibly and in moderation with occasional blow outs! ;) 

PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL/ MENTAL HEALTH: In many ways the realm of the emotions is the realm of the artist; feeling them, expressing them and transforming them into art or music. Artists swim in their emotions and are driven by psychological impulses to create – it is their element, be it primitive emotions or intense ones. My emotional life was an area I over-focused on because for much of my life because I was emotionally distressed in one form or another plus I considered myself to be an artist of some sort. I could never make up my mind which was my element and I explored many; dance, drawing, painting, performance, acting, music, song-writing, singing and writing. Human beings are inherently creative when it comes to psychological forces. All great literature knows that! Emotions are something that are devalued in our world and yet they are so important and at the root of much illness. Our relationship with our emotions is a deep and personal one and effects our health. Again the body holds the score and emotions that you stuff down, repress, park off or deny will show up oftentime in the body.

For me I needed to set boundaries and work on my sense of self. That has been my big work psychologically and emotionally speaking as well as developing self-acceptance and self-love. Being an extremely open person in many ways (and yet cautious, guarded and closed off in other ways – but that’s another blog post) I have always had a tendency to merge with people and become enmeshed thus losing my sense of self. This is dangerous territory as I can become bullied and controlled very easily by giving away my power like that. This has been a life-long curse for me being at the mercy of others; lovers, friends, family, you name it. I think it is rooted in my desire to accommodate and connect/empathise with and my fear of conflict or displeasing others.

Obviously I have explored this extensively in therapy. Partly it is my nature and partly it is co-dependency. I am both a curious mix of solitary and sociable. One painful lesson I have learnt is that if you allow people to disrespect you and walk all over you they invariably will. I had never assertively set boundaries in my life so I have got treated in all manner of ways. It is a very painful on-going lesson and hopefully I won’t be haunted by domineering and bossy people or manipulative people all my life. The key to all of this is setting your boundary otherwise people do not know where they stand so it is collusion if you do not. Toxic behaviour – bullying, domineering, insulting, patronising, draining or manipulating behaviours - can effect your health as badly as highly processed food or too much booze. At the same time you need to be flexible aswell. One is only brittle or defensive when they have not fully mastered boundaries. And we are all only flawed human beings at the end of the day. We can only try our best and being rigid is also bad for one’s health. Sometimes in order to make big changes we have to go to extremes which then level out as we incorporate them into our lives in a more realistic way. Diet is a good example of this. When we want to change bad habits how many of us have thrown the baby out with the bath water, as they say, only to return to our former ways. It is also important to be realistic, only then is it sustainable.

The other side of the coin is that I can be very difficult to pin down. I need a lot of space and freedom. I can be avoidant. I like to suit myself. I don’t like being needed – obviously I make exceptions here for my children. I like to get people sorted, up and running and out the door. I love to see people thrive. This isn’t to say I don’t like socialising – in fact I enjoy it immensely but only for certain amounts of time as I can get easily drained. And then I like to daydream and potter around in my own little world. I am introverted with a mad extroverted streak – which needless to say gets me into trouble but also gets me some adventures. I am pretty sure I have autism which could explain a lot but that is another blog post.

I believe that mental health is intrinsically connected to emotional health. In fact I used to call mental health issues emotional distress  as I believed they originated in unmet, unseen, unexpressed emotional truths. We can help our mental health by feeding it good nutricious food in the form of loving affirmations, critical thinking, good literature etc.

SEXUAL HEALTH: Sexual health is deeply connected to creativity and emotional, psychological and physical health I think. Some people like to explore the primal animal nature side of sex, some people like to enjoy the deep heart-felt, romantic side, some people like to wire the two up in a loving union and go to the stars. It doesn’t really matter how you get to the stars as long as you are two (or three or four… ) consenting adults.

As a side note some experts think that behind the compulsive nature of sex addiction is a deep desire for emotional connection – rather like the impulse behind alcohol, drug and food addiction or any addiction for that matter. Sex is something to be enjoyed and not to feel guilty about – unless you are harming yourself or another in a non-consensual way. Fantasy is good too. No one should police or limit your imagination because that is a boundary violation. This was something I greatly struggled with in my twenties and I crossed boyfriends’ boundaries demanding to know everything.

Sexuality is highly personal and if someone makes you feel bad about it that is not good. Nobody should judge your past because it is personal - something else I learnt the hard and painful way. There are many painful lessons in sex but there is great joy there too. Sex can give you incredible pleasure as well as transcend this dimension and take you to a spiritual place of calm. It is very good for your overall health.

On the psychological side some studies have observed that males struggle with sexual jealousy whereas females struggle with emotional intimacy jealousy. Some folks struggle with retroactive jealousy - obsessing about their partner’s past and becoming jealous. I am not sure about this but all I can say is that sex is a tremendous force of nature that can trigger and ignite a lot of feelings and can actually create new life! I think it can do that in more ways than one. Sexuality and creativity are said to be twins – represented by two entwined serpents - and you can express your sexuality through art too.

It is very important that you focus on what you like and explore your own fantasies instead of always only focusing on what your partner likes. Get in touch with your own sexuality and then share that with your partner/ lover and they will likewise then share theirs with you. Live from your own core rather than living through another. Sex can be the element that brings people closer and deepens a relationship or it can be a destructive force that tears people apart. That’s how powerful desire, passion and erotic love are! I think the more mature you are the more you can master this powerful force and align it to love. Love and sex are not necessarily the same thing  - though sex can be aligned with love - which is possibly for another blog post. Desire is something that can make you do crazy things; much literature, poetry, songs and films explore this theme.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH: Spiritual health is about deeper meaning and purpose. Why are we here? And all those questions. Spirituality aligns us with our essential self and the eternal now. The vastness of existence and existential angst are wrestled with in spiritual wisdom and texts (religious texts, occult texts, astrology etc) down through the ages. I myself have always had a somewhat eclectic spirituality believing that many paths are essentially going in the same direction - towards cosmic universal love.

My own spiritual journey has been reconnecting with the divine I felt as a child and a teen but which I strayed far from in my twenties culminating in a nervous breakdown and disconnection from spirit. In many ways it was my days of wandering in the abyss. It was my first encounter with the abyss (or underworld or void). When I was 29 years old, after a distressing and terrorising prolonged nervous breakdown of 2 years, I had what I call the Great Comforter come in through my head. I had been in the pits of despair, permanently suicidal, contemplating death for months on end and living in terror. I had asked for a sign to keep me here on earth. 

This single experience was so powerful that it brought me back into recovery and society. The experience left me highly shaken as it was impossible to put such a luminous and ecstatic experience into words – the comfort had been so peaceful, so beautiful, so full of love, so heart and earth shattering that I wept tears of joy. I could not believe such peace was possible. It was like a relief and a remembering but so intense it blew me apart. I had a similar experience after birthing my babies.

Often when I am alone I slip into the Eternal Now and experience profound peace. Sometimes I consciously meditate but mostly I drop into it without realising. There is a timelessness to these experiences which comfort me greatly and I feel part of something vast. In these spaces I like to remember people I love who have died, who are on the other side so to speak. Sometimes I wonder whether we will have sight in the next dimension; insight yes but all the things on earth that I just adore looking at and witnessing and feeling, the sensual world. I am in awe of the beauty of earth and life. Sensual bliss is different to spiritual bliss I think but I enjoy both. I suppose a little fear comes in about losing matter. 

I practice the attitude of gratitude as much as I can. Meditation and giving thanks can be a humbling and grounding practice. Spirituality is a highly personal yet universal experience and something that deepens human life. In many ways it is the great adventure. It is however important to find the balance between practical and spiritual life. Spirituality can be a bit like desire in that it can make us do crazy things. In this way, if it is not in balance, we can become what is known as bliss junkies!

ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH: Last but not least is environmental health. This is very important as it is the foundation we build our lives on and where we get our basic security needs met. Are you living in secure accommodation? Is your water clean? Are you living in an over-crowded or polluted area? Do you have enough space? Do you have access to shops and food? These are factors that deeply effect the quality of our lives. Lockdown really highlighted this. I give thanks every day that I have a secure home, clean air and space in the countryside. Lockdown also made me realise that having a vegetable and herb garden is the way to go.

Making the Switch

Somewhere around my mid-to-late forties I noticed I was getting the same hit off unhealthy carbs as I was getting off my weed pipe in my twenties and that first glass of chilled wine in my thirties. But food addiction is socially acceptable so it can largely go unchecked for many years. Plus it took many years for me to reach the zenith of my food addiction. For years my fridge had to be full or I could not relax. The first thing I thought about in the morning was food and after I had finished breakfast I was wondering what to have for lunch. In the same way an alcoholic’s day and thought processes are ruled by drink my day and brain was ruled by food – and not even particularly healthy food. Wine was like my friend who popped in on the weekends and who I looked forward to spending some time with but food was my constant companion. My cravings were constant and all-consuming as the years wore on and I found myself listlessly roaming my house seeking comfort in food. Food gave me some structure, something to look forward to, especially when I was in recovery from burn out. My secret pleasure was watching food programmes. I loved nothing more than browsing the supermarket or food markets. I think it safe to say I was an avid foodie despite being fairly unadventurous in the kitchen myself. Ironically now I am becoming just that!

I have always loved my food and I had a healthy if conservative relationship with it but it started to become an unhealthy crutch as my thirties rolled on. I put this down to three factors; being stuck at home with small children, being creatively frustrated and as a way to suppress my emotions (or keep them at bay at least). A glass of wine with dinner (usually from Thursday though I would try to wait till Friday) only increased my appetite. I fancied myself as living in the Mediterranean with lunch rolling into dinner. Nigella Lawson was my heroine. For many years I was a human rubbish bin grazing on anything and everything and always eating my kids’ leftovers – if there were any.

As the years rolled by the weight piled on. The body positive movement didn’t help as it encouraged bad habits. I am a fan of body positive – in as much as it celebrates diversity in body types – but I am not a fan of promoting obesity which can cause any number of health issues and complications. This side of the movement is dangerous I think. Likewise with the other extreme which promotes underweight women and extreme fitness. Did you know that extreme fitness actually compromises your immune system?

I had always been 8 stone as a young woman and blessed with an hourglass figure but cursed with a steely drive. I had also been blessed with a strong constitution and body which I promptly abused with substances and that includes food. Too often people don’t include eating certain foods as substance abuse though they are quick to condone drink and drugs. People abuse food too. The healthier I get the more I regret my past life choices. In many ways I squandered my good fortune. My weight never fluctuated until my mid-twenties when it went down to 7 stone. By age 27 I was 6 stone whilst in the throes of a nervous breakdown. I was dangerously thin, even skeletal, for a few years. I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy and after I gave birth to my daughter my weight settled at 9 stone. I walked a lot pushing my baby girl in her buggy everywhere during this time and ate well so I was fairly healthy. I was also lifting a lot. I was however quite emotionally stressed due to practical factors (being a single mum with no car living in a remote area, house moves and financial issues mainly).

These stressful issues got exacerbated when I met my son’s father. By now I had learnt to drive. He experienced schizophrenia and we had to get involved with the mental health services. By the time he was transferred from the local unit to a maximum-security facility in the city in a prolonged psychosis I was pregnant with my second child. It must have been the most stressful pregnancy on record; two house moves, holding down a job at a local sports centre, a car crash in which my car was written off, doing a course (and applying for more), raising a toddler and dealing with the mental health services. Food was probably fuel and an after-thought though I always made sure my daughter was well fed. Incidentally both my kids have amazing taste palates; my daughter always loved avocados and pears and my son was an olive freak!

After 6 house moves I was blessed to be gifted an acre site in the beautiful valley I grew up in (from age 5) from my father to build a house on with an inheritance my grandmother left me. To this day I give thanks every day for my good fortune in this area. I practice the attitude of gratitude. For years I was angry that my grandmother had died and I wanted to give my inheritance to the homeless. Luckily my father didn’t facilitate this or I would have been homeless myself with two kids!

After my house was built and I moved in I was unprepared for the wonderful feeling of safety and security that having my own home for me and my kids would give me. I had never put down roots. I had always been on the move even in my childhood when I went between my mother and father’s houses and my boarding school in Cork city. Then as a young woman I had moved around a lot; changing accommodation, cities and countries quite frequently. You could say I was always on the run. I even used to eat on the move. Now here I was in one place, relatively unscathed with two wonderful kids. How lucky can one woman get?

So what did I do with my new-found freedom? Design a wonderful garden? Take up painting again? No I took on the Irish mental health services! I joined any grassroots organisations I could find who were challenging inhumane responses to human emotional distress. During this time I met and connected with people who had incredible stories and who had overcome massive adversity in their lives. I met people who were making their livings out of creating new paradigms and many who were doing it voluntarily for personal reasons. I worked hard and I believed in the work I was doing. I joined the Critical Psychiatry movement and I suggested the idea of a conference that gathered together people who presented different alternative responses to human distress. That conference is now an annual event.

All my hard work and campaigning culminated with the legendary Mary Raftery in my kitchen with an RTE camera crew. It was an honour to meet such a woman. Like any great human being she had razor sharp intelligence but was full of humility and compassion. She died of cancer not long after and I believe it was because she shouldered the backlash of the Ryan report. You can read about the Ryan report here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commission_to_Inquire_into_Child_Abuse. It was a huge honour to have a woman who changed the course of Irish history standing in my kitchen and interviewing me! There are no words to describe how surreal that experience was.

You may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight or the food I eat! I am putting it all into context. By the time I had given up my mental health advocacy work I was completely burnt out. I even had Mary Raftery encouraging me to give it up and to focus on myself and my children. I decided my work in that area was done. I had said my piece – which was that force and drug maintenance was not a good enough response to human distress, that it was in fact a human rights violation. I had told my story in newspapers, on radios and now on national TV. It was time to leave the battlefield. Not only had I gone to war with the current paradigm but I had joined movements who proposed new paradigms. I was fighting on one front and creating a new one the other side. This was frontline work. I was also emotionally supporting a lot of people which was very draining. I was doing battle, nurturing, raising and creating all at once!

The energy it takes to go into battle is monumental so suffice to say the aftermath is an adjustment. I locked my front door and went to bed for a year. I was completely burnt out. The reason I have included all this back story is to give you some context.  During my battle with the mental health services I was pushing quite hard which probably meant I was releasing a lot of cortisol. Cortisol is used in fight or flight. Cortisol is also the hormone responsible for creating that spare tyre look around the middle that we all love and know so well. I believe I was quite unhealthy around this time because I drank a lot of coffee – though never after midday – and I would unwind with wine towards the end of the week. I would use food as fuel rather than give it much more thought that that. I had bigger fish to fry so to speak. I was macro and food was micro as far as I was concerned. I would eat large portions like a lorry refuelling and I would eat fast.

All that has now changed.

Now I believe it is more important to fix your own yard before you tend to others. At 40 I started therapy which has been a life saver. Around 43 I started realising that though I liked wine, wine did not like me or rather my body did not react well to it. It was the same with coffee. So I ditched my uppers (coffee) and my downers (wine). At 42 I noticed a change in my monthly cycle and by 45 I was in a bad place physically with excessive flooding – which I have written about elsewhere on this blog.

I now believe it was a combination of chronic extreme and prolonged stress over many years, my diet and my tendency to push my emotions down with food that created my weight gain. Over the years I developed the habit of going to the fridge or the cupboard if I was stressed, bored or emotional. Sometimes even if I was happy I would hit the fridge to celebrate. Any excuse huh! Pretty soon my weight crept up to 11 stone from 9 stone. According to the BMI (Body Mass Index) for my height and frame I was now officially in the obesity camp. I was still the right side of obesity but if this continued I was heading towards the wrong side of it which is morbidly obese. It didn’t help that I had girlfriends who were ignoring their own weight issues (we all did) and embracing the “body positivity” idea and boyfriends who celebrated my “curves” (my fat).

All I knew was I felt trapped in a body I no longer recognised as my own. I felt heavy and sluggish no matter what kind of a positive spin I or others put on it. Then I started to get cellulite on my knees. I think that was the point of no return when I thought maybe my life as I formerly knew it was over and I had been abducted. I gasped with horror when one day I saw just how much cellulite had accumulated on my legs. Due to excessive flooding for months on end I had gotten really out of shape physically. I did hardly any exercise and it was starting to show. At 5 feet 2 I was slowly turning into a tubby, chubby, short, round person. I would get breathless just running up the stairs. I had asthma and a whole host of other health issues were starting to form. At this rate I was heading for more problems down the road. I got myself tested for diabetes (no, thank god) and thyroid (all fine). I also discovered that overweight women suffer more in the perimenopause and menopause. From years of unchecked stress, over-eating and always trying to please others my hormones had gone haywire and were creating havoc in my body.

The first thing I did at around 44 was completely give up booze. It happened fairly organically, slowly starting at 42 but by 44 I could no longer finish a glass of wine without feeling awful so I switched to fizzy water and now eventually to just plain old water with a squeeze and a slice of lemon or lime in it.

The next thing I did was to increase my green leafy vegetable intake, mostly kale, rainbow chard and spinach whilst reducing unhealthy carbs. I increased my fresh vegetable intake in general; broccoli, cauliflower, beetroots, carrots (raw and cooked), leeks and salads. In conjunction with this I reduced my plate portions which in the past had been huge. I also cut out mashed potato with butter as I was getting acid reflux every time I ate mashed potato or chips. I replaced potatoes with sweet potato. I swapped white rice for brown rice. I bought quinoa and lentils. I completely cut out regular wheat pasta, white bread (sliced pan, wraps, bagels etc), biscuits, crackers and cakes. I now only eat cake at a special occasion.

Then I slowly reduced my intake of red meat (beef and lamb - which had reached unhealthy amounts in an attempt to manage my enemia) and increased my intake of fish, mainly fresh hake and tins of sardines (delicious with a generous squeeze of lemon and lime). I am researching other sources of iron aswell. I radically reduced my chicken intake as I am a blood group B and chicken is not good for us folk. Roast chicken is one of my favourites so I will let myself have it occasionally. I still eat eggs, yoghurt and cheese. I love whole foods, real foods and slow food. In other words I love good, healthy food. Since making the switch gradually I no longer have any cravings for junk for the first time in years. It is amazing. It is like being released from a kind of food prison.

I have completely eliminated packet foods with E numbers (gravies, stirfry sauces, seasonings etc) and replaced with fresh herbs and spices and organic vegetable stocks. I replaced sweet snacks with a variety of nuts and dried fruits so now when I get cravings I hit those instead of the biscuits or cakes or ice cream. There are no biscuits in my cupboard anymore anyway. And finally I drink more water and I move more, eat less. I try to take 1 hour exercise in walking every day. Doing some yoga is my next goal when I feel stronger. I also take supplements; vitamins A, B, D and C, magnesium, flaxseed or fish oil, evening primose oil and passiflora tincture to alleviate stress.

My target weight is 9 stone. So I have to lose 2 stone. I started at a size 10 and over the years I have crept up to a size 16 (in some cases 18). I was definitely heading to 18 next stop 20. I would be happy to be a 14 or a 12 now. We shall see. I am making the switch from unhealthy to healthy and it feels good. It feels like the right time and I feel ready to let all the layers fall off. I no longer need to protect or buffer myself with weight, hide behind it or stuff my feelings down with food. I need to find healthier ways to deal with my feelings – maybe by honouring them (but that is for another day, another blog post). Removing unhealthy foods and too much food has been like removing my security blanket rather like how a hoarder gathers stuff to insulate and cocoon themselves emotionally. I am also a bit of a hoarder so this will be the next issue I have to confront – my attic!

I have done all this food change programme in conjunction with a course in osteopathy over many months as it came to light that I needed to radically change my diet and lifestyle. Since changing my diet I have no acid reflux or incessant cough and my energy levels have increased. However I have developed headaches but I have heard this is common in detox – as it is withdrawing from drugs or drink. I am hoping these will go in time. I no longer feel like I need to abuse food in the same way that I abused drugs and alcohol. Food is there to support me not to swamp me. I have also slowly started to research herbs and restorative teas to support my journey towards health, healing and balance.

It can take a long time to address food addiction partly because at it's root it is an emotional problem and also because it is socially acceptable to eat - of course. We need food to live though what we eat can make us sick.